Adam Buxton first appeared on British TV together with his friend Joe Cornish in the Channel Four series The Adam and Joe Show, a programme that they filmed together from a flat above the Body Shop in Brixton, South London. Everybody loved it, because it was very funny indeed. After that they zoomed off to Japan to make the equally excellent Adam and Joe Go Tokyo, where for 8 weeks they looked at Japanese culture whilst attempting to become famous Tokyo celebrities at the same time. At the moment you can hear them on the Adam and Joe Radio Show every Saturday between 1pm and 3pm on XFM. We heartily recommend that you do.

Adam and Joe

What we like about Adam and Joe is that they make funny tv and radio programmes that make us laugh. We also like the fact that you can tell from watching and listening to them that they’re obviously both nice guys. We don’t really get that vibe from lots of the people we see on tv nowadays to be honest.

Anyway, we tracked down Adam last week to see if he wouldn’t mind answering a few of our questions about animals. We didn’t want to squander such a fantastic grilling opportunity, so you’ll see that we’ve asked him some pretty full on, meaty questions designed to probe deeply into all of the big animal related issues of the new millennium. Issues ranging from the validity of pork scratchings as a foodstuff to what mark dogs should get out of ten.

The fact that he answered our questions has absolutely made our week, so we want to thank Adam very much for his time.

What have you been up to recently?

I was in a sitcom the other day. It’s the new one from Graham Linehan who wrote Father Ted, Black Books and Big Train. It’s called The I.T. Crowd (it’s about I.T. People you see) and I pop up in episode 4 as a kind of sleazy sexy man which is in fact what I’m like in real life so I found it easy to play. It was the most fun I’ve had in ages and I can’t wait to see the finished show which should be on Channel 4 early next year. I’ve also been trying to write a play for Radio 4 but it’s not easy. I hate writing proper stuff. I can never tell if it’s any good or not. I’m also about to start work on a show with Armando Iannucci but I don’t know how much I’m supposed to say about that. It’s exciting though.

Possibly the most important question - what is your favorite type of animal?

I like horses very much. They’re useful and attractive and not unbelievably thick like many dogs.

Dogs? Thick? A long running debate in the Animal Reviews office is how to give dogs an accurate mark out of ten. The way we see it, for every fantastic dog (such as the whippet or mongrel), there is an equal and opposite rubbish dog, such as any of the small ones that can be picked up and carried around in a Paris Hilton handbag type way. So whilst dogs as a species are capable of some truly great things, like running out of butchers’ shops with strings of sausages trailing behind them, they also have the capacity to yap and maul children, which many people consider to be quite naughty.

So - what mark out of ten should the dog get?

All things considered I’d give them a somewhat fence sitting 4.

Do you have any pets?

Nope. I’ve got two young sons. They’re very much like pets but more amusing. Come on, think about it. Which would you rather watch, a You’ve Been Framed compendium of animal clips or baby clips? It’s got to be the kiddy clips every time. Otherwise you’d watch The Planet’s Funniest Animals and then you’d have to kill yourself.

In the Adam and Joe Show, you and Joe Cornish did some very silly pastiches of Hollywood blockbusters starring cuddly toy animals instead of actors. 'Toytanic' was a particular favorite of ours, especially when the teddy bear playing Leonardo De Caprio drowns. The question is, did either of you ever get hopelessly attached to any of the cuddly toy animals that you used, and did any of them go on to bigger and better things in the world of entertainment?

I was very attached to the little pig that we used in our version of Seven (he played Brad Pigg) and Star Trek TNG (Jean Pork Pighard). He was also in Showgirls I think. I found him when my family moved to Clapham years ago. He was left behind by the girl who used to have the room I ended up getting. She was at one stage a junior disco dancing champion I believe. That’s a good colourful life for a corduroy bean bag pig no? He’s retired now having had one too many coat hangers shoved up him in the course of making our toy dreams come true on the Adam & Joe Show. He’s lost a lot of beans and he’s gluey but he’s OK.

Toytanic

Still on films, Peter Jackson's King Kong is coming out soon, it looks quite good, and we're getting excited at the prospect of other Hollywood types leaping onto the 'animals in starring roles' bandwagon. May we ask what your favorite film is that stars an animal in a leading or almost leading role? (I'm going for Lake Placid followed by Jaws. Max is torn between Anaconda and Dunston Checks In).

Dunston Checks In is indeed very good. Joe and I went to see it as part of an orgy of monkey films that we were getting into at the time. But then it got sort of fashionable to be into monkeys and talk about monkeys (see Bape, Phil Jupitus, Ross Noble etc.) so we cooled on the genre. The first animal reliant film I thought of when I read the question was As Good As It Gets with Jack Nicholson. I know it’s not really all about the dog, but it’s a big part of it and I love that film despite Helen Hunt.

Pork scratchings - bounty of the gods or food gone a bit wrong?

They are odd certainly. Crunchy yet wet? That can’t be right. There’ve been times when a pack has hit the absolute spot though, so I’m not closing myself off to the scratching. You need booze with them though. A sober scratching is not a palatable thought.

You did a programme a while back (Adam & Joe Go Tokyo) in which you and Joe went to Japan to look at Japanese culture. Whilst you were there you both attempted to become famous celebrities, at one point even writing a song and busking the streets as "Gaijin Invasion" to help you in your quest for stardom. Be honest with us, do you think our song "Animal Reviews ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out" could take us to the top of the J-Pop hit parade?

I tried to listen to this but it didn’t happen for some reason. I like the lyrics though and yes, I’m sure the Japanese would buy in to it. They really aren’t that discerning when it comes to crap from the west to tell you the truth. That’s not to put it down, just an observation. Mind you, the same could be said of Japanophiles in this country. How many AWFUL films have I sat through after being told how AMAZING they were by Asian cinema geeks?! 3 is the answer.

Is there any chance of you both doing a follow up to Adam & Joe Go Tokyo, because it was great.

Thanks man. People really did seem to like that show but BBC3 told us it performed very badly so no, I’m afraid we won’t be going back there any time soon.

Ken Korda, maverick movie director.

Have you ever been bitten by a monkey?

No monkey bites. I’ve seen Outbreak. They’re not coming anywhere near me.

Imagine for a moment that you've snuffed it, and because you're a big TV star God allows you to be reincarnated back on earth as the animal of your choice. What would you go for?

Something with a decent lifespan that can fly. Not R Kelly though. Can’t be more specific I’m afraid.

You used to wear a Captain Birdseye hat. Recently you grew a big beard. Do you know any sea shanties?

Thou shalt have a fishy on a little dishy
Thou shalt have a fishy when the bought cooms in.
Dance to your Mammy sing to your Daddy,
Dance to your Mammy, when the bought cooms in....

Gah! Captain Birdseye is going to find that Youngs twit and kick the shrimp out of him.

Can I get bird flu from my budgie?

I would say yes.

If you could make one species of animal extinct, which one would you choose and why?

Hey, I’m not up for making anyone extinct. Let’s all just get along.

If you and Joe had a bit of a bust up and you decided that Joe needed teaching a lesson of some sort, which animal would you get to bite him?

Again, this does not compute. Can’t be getting people bitten. Sorry to be dull.

The Last Chancers

You are a tape worm. Which celebrity would you most like to live inside?

Hmm. Maybe Safron Burrows. I think she’d appreciate the arrangement from the point of view of staying slim and I’d get to see her parts which is a dream I’ve long nurtured.

A friend of a friend of ours overheard someone saying in the pub that Joe's been going around telling people that you've got a bit of a thing for kestrels wearing eyeliner. We're sorry to be the ones to break this to you. Given that your secret is now out, you could deflect attention by telling us this - what animal does Joe take a fancy to, late at night, after a few beers?

Again, this questions strays too far into the realms of Ross Nobility (a new adjective for the kind of zaniness that I can’t get to grips with) for me so I can’t respond in any meaningful way. I appreciate that I sound curmudgeonly now and I remember vividly how annoying it was when my Dad would refuse to go the distance when we wanted him to say stupid things (which he seldom refused to do) but it’s one of the nice things about being older I guess: you can take things too seriously as a kind of statement. This is not to diss your question, just to admit a small defeat to it.

One last question, did you really film the Adam and Joe Show from your bedroom above The Body Shop in Brixton?

Yes, we really did film it there. There’s a few pointy roof windows above the Body Shop. We were in the two on the left of the building.

Thanks Adam!

Thanks, this was fun.

What a dude. If you’re thirsty for more Adam Buxton, the Adam and Joe DVD has possibly the best animated title menus of any dvd ever and features all the best bits from their tv series. It's dead good and is available from all good retail outlets (and Virgin Megastore) now. You can also hear Adam and Joe on XFM every Saturday afternoon from 1pm until 3pm, and your local Greggs the Bakery stock a wide selection of Adam Buxton shaped gingerbread biscuits and pastries.

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