Sharks, Crocodiles, Snakes, Black Widow Spiders, the list goes on. Each of these animals is considered something of a rotter in its own right, but put side by side, who holds the crown?

We know what you’re thinking already. You’re thinking that we're going to end on a downer.

"Well, at the end of it all, man is the most dangerous animal in the world, blah blah deforestation blah..."

Let us reassure you right now, this is not going to happen. In our opinion, nothing ruins a good animal documentary faster than being told, usually in the last 5 minutes, that man is by far the most aggressive, destructive, nasty piece of work ever to walk the earth. I mean, thanks, but I knew that already. I only tuned in to watch some Tigers.

Each animal has been scored according to the following criteria:

• Weaponry – How would you like to die? The animal’s method of mauling you, be it a bite, an electric shock or a well placed claw.
  
  
• Temperament – Does the animal lead a peaceful existence, only striking when you stumble across it and accidentally kick it in the head? Or is it the type of animal that would wait for you outside the pub after closing time, with a pool cue, whose sole pleasure in life is being perpetually primed for mind boggling violence?
  
  
• Transparency – or likelihood of coming across one without realising you’re about to get attacked. This score is influenced by factors such as camouflage, the habitat in which it lives, and ultimately how stupid you’d have to be if you ended up face to face with one.
  

Lion

When approached by a tourist carrying a metric ton load of chewable photographic equipment, the lion will most likely do one of two things. Either they will flee in the other direction and deprive you of the chance to win that photography competition you had your eye on, or they will growl and pounce on you, chewing both your arms off and invalidating the warranty on your camera. Either way, you’ll feel a bit robbed by the encounter.

• Weaponry: Sharp claws and big, powerful, slobbering jaws.
  
  
• Temperament: Generally passive, but very protective over their young. Females are notoriously irritable. Overall though, more Simba than Scar.
  
  
• Transparency: Well, although they are fairly well camouflaged, the chances are that if you see a lion you’ll be in the back of a jeep. With this in mind, you’d have to be pretty thick to get into a nasty bitey bitey situation with a Lion.

Overall Danger rating: Low

Not scary at all really.

Crocodile

The crocodile is pretty much the only creature that considers man to be part of it’s daily five. Such is the tenacity of these beasts that even if you’ve just fed it half an elephant, it would think nothing of picking it’s teeth with your collar bone.

• Weaponry: Teeth. Jaws are powerful and lock into place while the croc drags you underwater to drown. Tail can give you a powerful wallop, but really your concern should be more with the top end.
  
  
• Temperament: Think of Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, after he’s just been fined by the police for spitting when it actually wasn’t him. This mood is observed on a daily basis in the crocodile kingdom.
  
  
• Transparency: Experts say that if you’re being chased by a croc, the best thing to do is to run away in zigzags, but due to the fact that they tend to hang out together in packs (like those car thieves outside McDonalds) you’re pretty likely to run straight into the open jaws of another one. Nasty.

Overall Danger rating: High

Nile crocodiles shelter from the desert sun
by digging deep burrows.

Great White Shark

Bruce the remote controlled Great White from the popular children’s film Jaws was notoriously difficult to control, hence the reason that Stevo Spielberg decided to not show him for much of the film. Little did the director realise that he was about to launch the Hollywood career of the shark, and scare children sitting on lilos the world over. Anyway, that’s all irrelevant – Great white sharks would be dangerous even if they didn’t have Equity cards.

• Weaponry: Teeth. About 20 rows of them, all razor sharp and with bits of Robert Shaw hanging off them.
  
  
• Temperament: Unknown. The only time humans ever tend to encounter the Great White is when they are in the cinema, or being devoured by one. Both situations tend to further stereotype the shark as being a soulless, cold killer. Which is actually a bit meaningless when you think about it - you could say the same thing about a flamingo.
  
  
• Transparency: Pretty hard to spot, given that they live in the sea. I suppose it depends on the sea. The crystal clear waters of Micronesia are not the same as the sewage and corn plaster infested septic tank known as the English Channel.

Overall Danger rating: Medium

The great white shark. Not as excellent as
hammerheads, but still fantastic.

Lionfish

You know, the fish that Frank Drebbin gets bitten by in The Naked Gun 2 ½.

Another sea dweller, the Lionfish has a far better reputation than the Great White. This is due to the fact that the Lionfish doesn’t actually live in the sea. The only place that anyone ever encounters these fish is in the tanks that adorn the walls of waiting areas in posh takeaways. Under these circumstances, you’re more at risk from the Dish of the Day.

• Weaponry: Venomous spines - the sting causes heart failure.
  
  
• Temperament: Bored and slightly nervous about any new revisions made to the menu.
  
  
• Transparency: Hardly. Even in the open ocean you’d spot one of these brightly coloured fish a mile off.
  

Overall Danger rating: Low

Some people call these fish Lionfish,
others call them Scorpionfish.

Hippo

The Hippo may look like a peaceful chap with that little bird perched on his back, but beware – they are as aggressive as they are fat. There’s very little mercy a Hippo will show you if you go bounding over to him to ask if he fancies a bit of your Um Bongo tropical fruit flavour drink.

• Weaponry: Teeth, body size and weight (up to 4 tonnes). And of course full command over it’s familiar (the bird that sits there all day eating lice).
  
  
• Temperament: Like a British football hooligan after a particularly galling defeat at the hands of the Turkish midfield.
  
  
• Transparency: Well, they tend to wallow in rivers, so could be hard to spot. Having said that, they also enjoy flinging their own poo all over themselves, so you can probably smell one on the horizon.
  

Overall Danger rating: High

Not scary, unless you taunt him with one of these...

Tiger

Lethal, and we can prove it. Check out the following photo - taken on our last trip to the zoo.

• Weaponry: Teeth and claws. Both apparently useful for mauling mothers.
  
  
• Temperament: Very shy. There are only about 25 tigers left in the wild, so I think they're quite sensible to keep a low profile.
  
  
• Transparency: Fairly difficult to spot if you're in the jungle. Fairly easy if you're in London Zoo.
  

Overall Danger rating: High

Black Widow Spider

Have you actually ever seen one of these spiders? We were in the “Bugs!” area of London Zoo and after a brief glance at the Black Widow tank, we turned in unison to each other and shrugged our shoulders. So what? It has to be one of the drabbest, most uninspiring dangerous animals of all time. Even the red spot on it’s back seemed to have rubbed off.

• Weaponry: Deadly spit.
  
  
• Temperament: Hides in toilets, often under the seat. A pervert, then.
  
  
• Transparency: Tough to spot, but utterly impossible to identify as a killer. Not because it is so well camouflaged, but because it's so boring to the eye. Everyone knows the dangerous ones are either big, hairy or interesting to look at.
  

Overall Danger rating: Quite high actually (although it hardly deserves it)

The one we saw didn't look like this. It was rubbish.

Excellent site - thank you!

I live in Australia, where there are some very nasty animals indeed (funnel-web spiders, sharks, crocodiles, wombats) and your helpful and informative website only just this afternoon saved me from putting my hand in a croc's mouth. If I hadn't already read about their dangerousness on your website, who knows what might have happened? Having visited your site, I am firmly of the opinion that dangerous animals should have flashing lights or sirens attached to their heads to warn the unwary, or at the very least a sternly-worded sign.

Keep up the good work,
David

Hi David

We're very glad to have been able to help you out with the crocodile situation. Was it a big one? Living in Australia you must come across a cacophony of excellent animals daily that us Brits can only dream about. The best we've got is The Beast of Bodmin Moor, and that's probably not even real. If you've got the time, perhaps you could review an Australian animal for us, or alternatively do us a nice picture of a funnelweb spider.

Your suggestion of highlighting dangerous animals with flashing lights and signs is a very good one. The only potential problems that we can come up with are as follows:

a) Who would do the attaching? (Perhaps fellow countryman Steve Crocodile Hunter would be up for it).

b) By attaching a siren or warning sign, the animal in question ceases to be quite as dangerous. It effectively climbs down a rung on the ladder of dangerousness. Logically speaking, that lower rung is already occupied by other animals. It simply becomes a more crowded rung.

Thus, any animal previously on the lower, less dangerous rung suddenly finds itself equi-dangerous with 'really dangerous' animals, like tigers and bears.

Result? You've just made even more dangerous animals than there were before.

c) Animals forced to carry signs often suffer from low self-esteem.

Anyway, thanks for the email.
Theo and Max