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You hardly need us to tell you that it's a fast moving world out there - Cif is the new Jif, Uruguay is the new Paraguay, and Ikea is the new Homebase. Well, news has reached our London office that the Hoxton Hipsters have taken up a new hobby, and let's face it - if they're doing it now, we'd better be doing it by next week, because it'll be all over the week after that. Not being ones to ever shy away from an in depth scientific investigation, we've decided to put on our lab coats and mount an in depth scientific investigation.
What are we banging on about? Why poaching of course! Poaching, it would seem, is the new going to the cinema.
Of course the 'in-crowd' are often as much about the attire as the message, so what better than to start our investigation with clothing? We called in our good friends Trinny and Susanna from the BBC television series 'What not to wear...' to give us the lowdown.
What To Wear... Poaching! with* Trinny and Susanna
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Trinny |
Hello, and welcome to the show. Today were looking at contemporary poachware. If you're planning an excursion in the near future, please do pay close attention to accepted fashions and remember to co-ordinate. That said, clothing really should be chosen on practicality rather than style. As Susanna will now explain.
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Susanna
| Hello everyone, and yes, practicality is a buzzword this season. For zebra baiting along the Zambezi, I recommend a loose fitting safari suit in pale earthy tones. A pair of hobnail boots and a walking stick should compliment this look, and don't forget to accessorize with binoculars, a jeep, a big gun and an even bigger net.
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Trinny |
For Pheasants and Grouse, think brown. Think tweed. Think 'Danny, the Champion of the World' by Roald Dahl.
I would choose a herringbone tweed jacket and flat cap, both in earthy tones, offset with a wooden pipe and braces. Don't forget the hip flask!
As you can see in the following example, this gentleman has accessorised his camo jacket with a pair of freshly killed grouse. It's a modern yet classic look, and if you have the confidence to pull it off, can be very striking.
What do you think Susanna?
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Susanna |
Thanks Trinny, I'd love a drink. For jungle based poaching, be sure not to underestimate the effects of humidity on mascara and be prepared for unsightly white under arm perspiration marks.
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Trinny |
Fantastic advice there Susanna, thanks. Now it's time for a quick round up of what NOT to wear poaching. With Trinny and Susanna.
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Susanna |
Again, this depends on a number of factors, but as a rule avoid wearing any of the following items: something that might be mis-interpreted by Ewoks as a religious symbol, anything with political message or slogan (that's just so over), anything from the latest Armani collection, and no slippers, sombreros, flippers/snorkels, meat based perfumes or aftershaves.
Most importantly this season, safety jackets are out!
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Trinny |
And don't forget the golden rule: avoid wearing anything that makes you look like the beast that you and your fellow hunters are attempting to capture!
Goodnight everyone!
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Susanna |
Yes, Goodnight! |
Please note: Animal Reviews does not condone poaching any more than we condone cattle rustling.
(* a picture of)
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