Animal Reviews

Archived News:

24.01.06: Oops. It looks like the link to the fainting goat clip we put up yesterday got turned off. The internet, eh? Never to be trusted. But this one works (wmv, 6.2MB wmv), and it's got even more goats falling over than the last one. Still, 6.2MB for a clip of goats? Outrageous. That internet, eh?

Have nice lunches. Maybe a review or a spot of news tomorrow. That would be nice.
23.01.06: Hello. If there's one thing we like here at Animal Reviews, it's silly animals. Not stupid animals, or dumb animals, but silly animals. Animals who by choice or by design make the entire world a sillier place. Goats are already quite silly what with their headbutting and compulsive need to climb things, but there is a subset of the goat world that takes silliness to the next level. Fainting goats are brilliant. We want some.

Here's a little more information about them. Actually, before that you should watch this clip of them doing what they do best (wmv, 2.7MB), followed immediately by this one (mpeg, 0.6MB). Then you can go and read about them. (Right/Option click to save the files to your computer).
20.01.06: There's a whale in the Thames! How excellent is that? (23.01.06: Poor little blighter. Didn't stand a chance).
19.01.06:Animals! Hello pals. Lots of letters for you to read today, so thanks to everyone who's written in.

In other news, elephants have fallen off the wagon again in Russia, as have macaques. This is puzzling, because we were always under the impression that macaques liked snow. If you've ever been to Japan, you'll see happy macaques jauntily making snowmen and eating 99 flakes all day long. What these monkeys need are scarves and mittens, not booze.

We wonder if elephants cheer up a bit when they're drunk.

Meanwhile in Germany, which as all good geography teachers know is just to the left of Russia, TV executives have hit upon possibly the greatest idea for a programme ever. Yes, even better than 'Pets Win Prizes' with Dale Winton. It's Fame academy for pets! We freely admit that we haven't yet seen it, but if it's anything like the human version then expect to see mile long queues of animals so desperate to hit the big time that they're willing to a) sing Ronan Keating songs, and b) spontaneously burst into tears on camera. Still, it might be fun to watch Sharon Osbourne being gored by a bull.

17.01.06: Thinking about having an affair? If you are, then be careful what you say in front of your pets. This lady got herself into all sorts of trouble when her parrot decided to spill the beans not only to her boyfriend, but to the tabloid press as well. She's probably kicking herself now for passing up on that chinchilla.
10.01.06: Must have accessory of the day: This delightful dead dog handbag. Blame Paris Hilton.

We've also had a spot of feedback about Paco's pigeon review. Holly Kirkwood writes: "Inconsiderate needs to be added to the negatives in your review, as does 'never pay their rent". (letters). A fair point.

08.01.06: Happy New Year! If there's anything in the world nicer than languidly lolling in a hammock, sipping Um Bongo and looking out over the treetops of the amazon jungle, we don't know what it is. We don't even want to know, so for heaven's sake please don't write in and tell us - it's our dream and we wont have it soiled by anyone. Anyway, that's fairly irrelevant at the moment, as we're in London, and it's been raining. On the plus side, we've finally got around to adding another review to the site, and it's a good 'un: the PIGEON reviewed by Paco. Thanks Paco. Please feel free to read it at your employer's leisure.

In other news, we've been nominated for something, which is of course wonderful. You can vote for us if you like. There's a link just over there on the right. Thanks.
21.12.05: Hello. No new reviews today I’m afraid, but we would like to wish you Happy Christmas, Bodhi Day, Hanukkah, Eid Al-Fitr (a bit late, sorry), or whatever else there is going on at the moment that people are celebrating. Have a good one. In the spirit of giving, I noticed last night that we have 100 gmail invitations sitting there in our email account doing nothing, so if you want one drop us a line and we’ll sort it out. You can have two if you like.

In a kind of yearly roundup kind of a way, here are the 2005 animal headlines:

A slightly risqué photo showing how Tigons and Ligers are made has been taken in a Chinese zoo. Look at the expression on her face. The article also explains how to tell (and classify) the differences between tigons and ligers. This is something that we always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

The BBC TV programme ‘Life in the Undergrowth’ has been keeping us informed of important developments in the insect world, and contains a bevy of useful and interesting information. Things like “it is a bad idea to remove wasps nests yourself”. Meanwhile, crocodiles have turned up in the British countryside, in Cornwall (which for our overseas readers is where lots of people go on camping holidays). It was reported by Ananova thus: “Another local had reported seeing a moorhen being dragged below the surface of the pond by an unseen creature.”

Great white sharks swim more slowly than we thought - the BBC reports that a tagged lady shark crossed the Indian Ocean from South Africa to Australia, and back, in nine months. Given that Cape Town and Sydney are 6698 Miles apart, and the shark did twice that distance –13396 miles, how slowly must she have been going? Well, 9 months equates to around 274 days, or 6576 hours. 6698 miles divided by 6576 hours gives us a thoroughly unimpressive 1.018 miles per hour. Assuming our maths is correct, and it might well not be, it appears that every nature documentary we’ve ever watched has been lying to us. “We’re going to need a bigger boat” my foot.

Over in Wales, people have started training their dogs to perform Bruce Lee’s famous “one inch punch” . Just think, by 2008 they’ll be taking on one handed crime bosses whilst investigating drug smuggling rings. In the sea meanwhile, the first ever live footage of a giant squid was captured this year. You can watch a video of some lady with an intensely irritating voice talking about it here (zoom forward to 2:05 to save your sanity). Apart from that, scientists have discovered a new species of mammal – which doesn’t happen very often. Shame they couldn’t have taken a bit better photo of it, but to be fair, we’d have probably been just as excited and would have dropped the camera or something.

And in South America, a cow has been jailed.

Have a good one, Theo and Max.

22.11.05: If there's one thing that's sure to spurn us into action here at Animal Reviews, it's an email that starts with the line "Dear Animal Review Website Board of Directors". The fact that it then goes on to review of one of the more arctic based animals of the world, the POLAR BEAR, in an entirely unique way simply makes it even better. And who do we have to thank for this masterwork of feral investigation? Why Jon Patrick of course. Thanks very much Jon.

If you've noticed that updates to the site have been a touch on the sparse side recently, then please accept our apologies. The truth is, we've been really busy at our respective workplaces and simply haven't had the time to get a lot of the backlog put up onto the site. It goes back for months. This is all really honestly true. We haven't even been playing on Playstation or anything.

Anyway, thanks for sticking with us for all your animal reviewing, as opposed to starting up a rival animal reviewing website that you manage to update more often than once a month. We love you for it.
26.10.05: As regular visitors to the site will appreciate, we take animal evaluation pretty seriously around here. Something else that we take seriously is watching good television, because let's face it, it's important. You can probably imagine therefore how happy we were when Adam Buxton, comedian and maker of great tv programmes agreed to answer our silly animal questions. It was like Christmas and Birthday all rolled into one. You can read it right here.

UPDATE 18.10.05: Well, not quite 'this weekend' was it, but Tuesday isn't too bad. Anyway, here's a great, lovely, funny, sweet and altogether moving review of THE SQUIRREL, as penned by Toby and Moji. Thanks very much to both of you for this - great stuff.
UPDATE 11.10.05: Sorry for the recent lack of animal action - we are still here, honestly, but a combination of starting new jobs and going off on holiday has meant that we've fallen a bit behind on our important animal reviewing.

The next update should be oooh, this weekend probably. By the way, the AR office has just ordered one of these: Ant Works. We'll let you know how we get on when it arrives. Now, where can we get hold of some army ants to fill it with...

20.09.05: Hooray for Brian Morrison and his LION review. Lions are lovely animals, and so is Brian.

PLUS! Bats are related to dogs.
11.09.05: Dinosaurs are brilliant. Scientists should start cloning Triceratops or Stegosaurus rather than wasting everyone's time with sheep, of which there are plenty already. Anyway, Donna Cottam has reviewed the GUINEA PIGS, who it has to be said are thoroughly fantastic animals, despite a couple of our own reservations. Thanks Donna.
NEW FEATURE ALERT: The Animal Reviews top secret bunker (take the M25, turn left at Towersey and follow the signs) has recently fallen under the spell of a Playstation game called Lego Star Wars. Despite a lack of animals in it, it did get us thinking all about other computer games that feature animals. It therefore seemed a sensible idea to cobble together another of our inadequately researched scientific investigations...

The Animal Reviews Guide To Videogames (That Let You Play As Animals).
22.08.05: We asked you the other day what you thought about rabbits, and you answered. Well, Paul West did anyway. And he's raised some incredibly valid points about them being more untrustworthy than a puppy in a bone factory. What about the rest of you? Are rabbits much cop when it comes down to it? This is a pressing animal issue that really does need to be addressed. Please share your thoughts.

16.08.05: Hello there!

A warm handshake to those of you who have dropped in after perusing our deeply scientific duck experiment over at the utterly wonderful www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com (Your one stop shop for all tea and biscuit related news, we might add). And now that you're here, you might just be wondering what on earth the point of this this website is. Glad you asked.

The world is full of animals. The world is also full of animal related information. But what each and every one of those books, TV programmes and websites fail to tell you is actually how good the animals are. We can be certain of few things in this life, but we can take comfort in knowing that all animals are not all the same. Different species vary in a million different ways. One of these ways is obviously how they measure up when it comes to, you know, being animals. Out of ten, what do you give the anaconda? Rabbits - Yay or Nay? You get the idea.

We really hope you enjoy your stay.

Regular readers: Your thoughts please on rabbits.
04.08.05: Richard Pedley has reviewed IGUANAS. Basically, they're a bit like other lizards, only they have extra bits and bobs to make them even better. You should really go and read the review though, as Richard's done a far better job of looking into it than we have.
01.08.05: Hooray for Thonoir's review of the disfunctional EMPEROR PENGUIN, and hooray for it being the second penguin review in as many weeks. Almost. As silly animals go, penguins are well up there, thanks Thonoir from your very amusing and factually startling review.
16.07.05: We've interviewed a man who CARVES DUCKS! How brilliant is that? What's more, he's told us about catching foxes and being stung by nasty wasps. You should go and read this, lickedy-split.
04.07.05: Update: Fab PENGUIN REVIEW from Natalie, and an interesting letter about rude cats.
15.06.05: Hello, we like your shoes. Have you lost weight?

Giles has done a fab combo review for us, and it's one that's just been crying out to be done - Flea VS Cockroach. It really is great, so thanks Giles. Apart from that, we've added a couple more letters to the letters page.

AND: Have a nice weekend.
05.06.05: ANIMALS AT WAR! Thinking about starting a war? Wondering which species of animal would best make your army invincible? Wondering if an international animal reviewing organisation has dug into the history books and looked into it all for you? The answer is yes, and you can read all about it here.
25.05.05: Postman's been.
23.05.05: The king is dead! Long live the king! Toby Foot has written a great pygmy marmoset review, and guess what? He's convinced us that marmosets are the best animals ever.

Although to be fair, we haven't done tigers yet. Anyway, it's great.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE: We're outrageously running about two months behind on submissions at the moment, so if you've written to us and you think we're really rude for not putting your stuff up, and you're secretly hoping that we get bitten by dogs, we can only apologise.

The truth is that we never really thought anyone would send us anything, and so when you did it was all a bit of a shock. A lovely shock, but a shock nevertheless. We will get it all up asap, we promise.
19.05.05: Wondering what type of dog you should buy? If so, take this test and prepare to be slightly disappointed when you find out your ideal match is Lassie.
15.05.05: Week 3 of Theo's Animal World Tour has finally been completed. It's got bats in it, so you should read it.

And this is really good too.
09.05.05: Some more of your emails have mysteriously appeared on the letters page. Well, two of them have. I've also done a banner with a monkey on, and a pretty blue button just over there to take you straight there.

I'm thinking that maybe all feedback should go on the letters page from now on, rather than after the review in question. Hmmm. We shall see.
05.05.05: Read this! On top of all the wonderful reviews you send in to us here at the Animal Reviews bunker, your emails make us very happy too. So we thought it was only fair to create a vast central repository for all the post we get, a bit like Fort Knox. The difference however is that this repository is filled with emails instead of gold. Plus it's doors are open to everyone, instead of just Federal Reserve employees and Mr Goldfinger.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is we've put up a letters page, and we'd love you to wonder over and have a look.
28.04.05: Hello there! Find out what the future holds for a variety of species with our new and exciting feature: Animal Horoscopes.
17.04.05: Our opinion of dolphins is abundantly clear - they're the animal equivalent of leaving your house at 5am to go to work on a really cold morning, before being suddenly struck on the ear by a snowball with a rock in it. But of course dolphins are not the only aquatic 'mammals', and fellow animal enthusiast Kitt has written a review of one of the others: the duck billed platypus. In fact, it's such a great review, we've added a little button over there that takes you right to it. Nice one Kitt.

Oh, and: if you work in a zoo then we really want to interview you, so please get in touch.
11.04.05: Phillip Schofield update: The presenter of 'This Morning' has admitted on air that he once bit a rabbit. Now obviously we here at the animal reviews office cannot condone such behaviour, but at the same time we hardly blame him. Rabbits, as has already been documented, are vile little animals. Should he follow the lead of other 'This Morning' presenters and end up in court, we'd like to offer our testimonial services to the famous gopher fancier free of charge.
09.04.05: Our interview with the BBC is here at last!

Animal Reviews in conversation (mp3, about 5mb).

You may like to notice the following things over the course of the interview: 1) how we irritatingly say 'well, the thing is...' before answering every single question, 2) how posh we are in real life, and 3) how blatant it is that we've not really taken being interviewed seriously. Anyway, it was good fun, and the people from the show were all very nice.

Big big thanks to everyone at the BBC for being so smashing and sending us the tape.
06.04.05: Hello. Whilst I've been busy not typing up week 3 of my world tour, Max has jetted off to Italy to see how continental animals measure up. You can read his special report right here.

Oh, and we're still working off the backlog of emails, so if you've written to us recently, apologies, but we're working on it as hard as our work ethics permit.
04.04.05: Attention Animal Fans, your esteemed imbeciles in residence Theo and Max will be gracing the BBC Radio Newcastle morning show first thing tomorrow. You'll be able to learn about how we were raised in the jungle by Capyburras and other such blatant lies. We're on about 10.20am.
27.03.05: For those of us who often wonder what topical world events (tsunamis, 9/11) would look like if they were re-enacted by a squirrel, the answer is: fairly tastelessly. This is possibly at once the most wrong and right thing on the internet. Happy Easter.
22.03.05: Holly Kirkwood has kindly reviewed the bat for your pleasure. Holly, good work.
21.03.05: No dog reviews in yet. Come on folks! On the other hand, beavers have been moderated. Smashing!
16.03.05: Perhaps the most contentious reader review we've put up so far has been Aran's review of the Dog. Not that he got it all wrong, you understand - much of what he said was spot on. No, the problem was that he made an error of judgement by grouping all canines together. He was saying, in effect, that all dogs are excellent.

All dogs are not excellent.

Which is why we've started our very own Dog A-Z. Never ones to rest when there's important scientific work to be done, us.

Never.
10.03.05: Patrick Matthews has reviewed Squirrels. Given that his email was entitled 'look, squirrels, kill them', you can probably guess that he's not a big fan. That said, even we were a little surprised by the score he gives them.

Interestingly, the word squirrel derives from ancient Greek. It means "Animal with the tail that casts a shadow."

Also in, duck feedback. More soon.
03.03.05: Woodlice. Overlooked gem, or just a bit rubbish? Find out now.

And: This is the greatest advert for mosquito spray ever. Right click the link, and save target as (mpeg, 1.9mb)
26.02.05: From the Animal Reviews postbag:

Hiya,

The Little Red Monkey song reminded me of Derek Griffiths singing about Proboscis Monkeys on the TV programme "Heads and Tails". There's also a RealVideo version with pictures and everything. http://tv.cream.org/specialassignments/themes/2.htm (scroll down a bit to Heads and Tails).

Enjoy,
Nath
24.02.05: Hooray for David Hourigan and his wonderful dingo review. After reading this, I can guarantee you'll fall in love with them just as fast as we have.

Dingos that is, not David Hourigans.
23.02.05: Hello. Apologies for the general lack of pretty much anything over the last few days - my computer, such as it is, seems to have been struck down by a nasty case of death. I've given it dirty looks, sworn at it and even waved a large hammer at the monitor, but it's still refusing to work properly.

As you can imagine, this has made updating the site a bit tricksy, but please don't let that stop you all from emailing us your reviews. And thankyou too to everyone who's sent stuff in over the last couple of weeks - the backlog is both fantastic and slightly intimidating. As soon as I've worked out what's going on with this infernal machine, I'll get right onto it.

In the meantime: Go here and download the Little Red Monkey song.
15.02.05: James Willis has reviewed... ahem, Pubic Lice for you. It's totally safe for work, although to be fair you might get a couple of funny looks. Also up is Stephen Cobden's Weasel review, which chilled us to the bone, and yet more of your dog feedback. As ever - good work folks.
14.02.05: Request. If anyone has any pictures of either a belted kingfisher or a great blue heron please could you email them to us. Especially pictures of their feet. We know someone who's doing a carving and wants to get it spot on. Thanks very much.

Update coming soon, I promise.
08.02.05: BUMPER UPDATE! Right then. Duck, Goose and Swan reviews from us, and a fantastic beaver review courtesy of Jethro. And whilst I'm in the mood for a big update, here's a few more invaluable skiving tips, kindly supplied by Janet.

By the way: Reader reviews have been pouring in over the last few days (thanks everyone) - I'm working on them but it's going to take me a few days to get through it all. But get through it I shall.

And: The Guardian gave us a nice write up at the weekend, which was lovely of them.
07.02.05: Ahoy there! I've just added some of your feedback to the following reviews: Squid, Dog, Bee/Wasp, and Dolphin. Pretty top drawer, eh? If you're very lucky, tomorrow* you'll get to read reviews of the beaver and duck.

(* although it could well be the day after that)
01.02.05: Attention all animal fans with boring jobs - if you visit this site whilst at work, we've put together a Guide to Surfing the Internet for you. It's because we like you visiting, and we'd hate for anyone to get fired.

I've also tracked down some fantastic videos of squirrels on obstacle courses.
30.01.05: A stern handshake and respectful trilby doff to good eggs Emma and Chimney Sweep, who have sent in reviews of the Newt and Scorpion respectively. I've also added feedback to Otter, Dog, Bee/Wasp and Dolphin reviews.
25.01.05: Dogs.
24.01.05: The horse's place in British society - examined, dismembered and lovingly placed in your bed. Also up today: Rhino reader review!
20.01.05: It's an aquatic bonanza! For all you cephalopod lovers, octopus and squid reader reviews are now up.

By the way: If you're interested, and I don't suppose for a moment that you are, I recently purchased this book featuring old dogs on postcards. It's fantastic.
18.01.05: The Anaconda review is up. Oh, and so is Rabbit. We've also had a few reader reviews sent in over the last couple of days, so I'll see what I can do about getting them up and looking pretty. Good work Animal Reviewers. Oh, and an ocelot fan speaks out.
17.01.05: Hooray! We got an email from David in Australia. If you don't know where Australia is, then it's here. And if you want to know what he wrote to us about, then you can read his email here.
15.01.05: The first reader review is up, and it's a good one. Keep 'em coming folks. We've also added Week 2 of the AR World Tour, which has got some smashing monkey photos in it.

In the pipeline: Animals in Computer Games (Update: This will happen one day - Theo), and Have a nice weekend. Actually, that last one is more of a general goodwill message.
10.01.05: Well, the Animal Reviews offices were rocked to their very foundations this morning thanks to Google, which suddenly decided to reveal the presence of rival animal reviews on the web, at www.doubleindemnity.net/animal.html (warning: gets a bit sweary towards the end). Although there's no doubt that they were online before us, it's a bit odd that I've been googling the words 'animal' and 'review' 12 times per hour, per day for at least the last year and a half, and until today, nothing has ever turned up. Talk about gutted. Even worse, this other page is fantastic, containing as it does nuggets of wisdom such as: "If you tie a string to a moth's leg it is like having a little fur kite", and "The Mouse lives in the wall. If you touch a mouse you will get sick".
05.01.05: Over in New Zealand the remains of a Giant Eagle have been found. But before you get nervous, take comfort in the fact that a) they died out over a million years ago, and b) the writer of the article claims that "there is no evidence the giant eagles ever attacked people". Funny that. What million year old proof did he expect to find? A caveman preserved in amber, nursing a big peck on his elbow? We can therefore deduce from this that the author must in fact be a legal representative for modern day eagles, pre-empting the inevitable lawsuit.

Giant eagles indeed. Whatever next - the worlds largest Cockroach?
04.01.05: As I was looking for fresh animal news the other day, what should I trip over and dislocate my jaw on, but the disturbingly Anchorman-esque www.animalnews.com, which contains precisely zero animal news. It does have a picture of their van on the homepage though, weaving through heavy traffic. I've got no idea if this van is for genuine on-the-spot reportage or simply for the sake of publicity, but having seen it, I now want three of them. Worse, if this hitherto unseen competitive streak in my character isn't kept in check, I fear that the situation could escalate into a dangerous Ron Burgundy/Wes Mantooth type rivalry in future. Oh, and typing 'monkey' into their search box yields no results whatsoever. Astounding.
03.01.05: Worldwide Naughty Dog Update: Good old Ananova, they never fail to come up with the goods when it comes to outrageous news stories.

1. Naughty Turkish dog eats mobile phone.

2. Naughty Cambodian Dog gives birth to a cat. Visitor's remark: "I don't believe him".

3. Very Naughty English inmate dog releases his pals from their cells. Spokesman: "They had lots of food, lots of fun and games and caused loads of mess."