Anaconda

It gives us immense pleasure to introduce you to one of the planet’s Goliaths: the Anaconda. To correct a common misconception straight away: the anaconda is not the longest snake in the world. Sorry. That honour goes to the reticulated python which has reached a staggering 35ft. Anacondas usually grow up to 30ft long, although some tribes in the Amazon claim to have seen lengths of 50ft.

So then. Anacondas. Here at Animal Reviews HQ, if we had a pound for every time we’ve heard the catering staff utter under their breaths “Anacondas don't attack people”, we’d have enough money in our pockets to buy a cheap disposable camera. And having taken, say, 4 photos of dogs wearing false moustaches with it, the second thing we’d do would be to jet straight over to the Amazon to prove what a load of old rubbish that statement really is. Anacondas do attack people. Historical proof of this can be seen in ancient Amazonian art, and in that film starring Jennifer Lopez.

5 Things we learned whilst watching ‘Anaconda’

1. Jennifer Lopez is a good actor. Unless she’s in a film where she thinks she can get away with making a bit less effort.

2. If you’re thinking about going to the Amazon, don’t go with John Voight as your guide. Instead, take insect repellant with a high percentage of Deet, and a copy of the Dandy to read whilst waiting to be devoured whole.

3. Ice Cube would be a good person to go with. Take him.

4. Anacondas are incredibly intelligent and adaptive snakes. They learn quickly how to identify things like helicopters to pounce on, and can jump a very long way through the air. They can only be killed with explosions.

5. Having killed a giant anaconda, it's best to leave the area as quickly as possible, as a batch of previously unseen anaconda eggs will quickly start to hatch - Which is interesting, because we always thought they give birth to live young.

And anyway, if you were the largest snake on the planet with the ability to eat people, why wouldn't you? It’s just pointless to suggest otherwise. Everything from the Cayman to the Giant Armadillo knows that a quick visit to the riverbank could end at any moment with them being grabbed, strangled and swallowed whole. Jennifer Lopez take note.

Excellent camouflage. Bonus point.

Behaviour:

So we’ve established that the Anaconda is a stone cold killer. But to his credit, he’s a killer snake who doesn't crave the limelight the same way as cobras or asps. Indeed, comparing the anaconda to these try-hard badboys is rather like comparing Clint Eastwood to Colin Farrell. Clint could strike you down with a glance. Colin would probably resort to a pool queue.

How sad it is then that directors with the stature of Stephen Spielberg continually fail to harness this understated power. Remember the Ark of the Covenant scene in Indiana Jones? Not a single constrictor in sight. Spielberg filled it up with spitting cobras and puff adders instead. The fool.

Does the anaconda care though? No chance – he’s made the choice not to compete, because he knows he simply doesn't need to. He’s perfectly comfortable with the fact that he can kill without resorting to gimmickry, and so he lives life quietly away from the limelight. Because of this secretive nature, little is known about his private life, except that he like swimming in the tributary rivers of the Amazon looking for lunch and places to coil up.

Of course, this shyness swiftly vanishes when he spots a capybara (the world’s largest, and possibly best rodent) mucking about on the shore of the riverbank. Or Jennifer Lopez for that matter. And as quick as a flash, he’s grabbed J-to-tha-Lo with his jaws and crush the life out of her with his stylish spiral winding motion. And assuming he can open his mouth wide enough, he devours her backside whole.

Soldiers, eh? Always trying to look really tough.

Skills:

+ Unhingeable jaws to enable them to swallow huge animals.
+ Huge girth (up to 45 inches) which is great if you want to eat a donkey whole.
+ Expert at camouflage
+ Highly proficient swimmers

- Not that fast, so easily caught when found by snake hunters (real ones that is, not film ones).

Good pet/ bad pet:

If you have a decent sized garden with a pond in it, the Anaconda would make an excellent pet for you. Especially at feeding time, when you could get the neighbours round and all lean out of the upstairs toilet window as your children innocently release their pet goat into the garden, only to watch it be caught and devoured live.

If you live in a pokey studio flat in Hendon, this snake might be a bit on the large side.

Celebrity Owners:

• General Pinochet
• Billy Idol
• Renee Higuita

Overall Anaconda Score:

This is a brilliant snake pretty much just because it is massive in size and can eat huge things in one go -

8.4/10

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