A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z
A is for Afghan Hound.
Despite the topical name of this dog, there is sadly little to recommend the Afghan Hound above other dogs. Most of the problem comes from the coat, which looks frankly ludicrously undignified, not to mention a fire hazard.
The Afghan wears a permanent shawl of bouffant white hair, shaped so that it’s almost impossible to determine where the dog actually starts and the hairstyle ends. With an extended anteater style snout and an utterly gormless expression, this hound resembles little more than a parody of the good wizard from the Lord of the Rings. A shame, because he looks friendly, and it would have been nice to start with a good one.
Animal Reviews Afghan Hound Rating: 4/10.
(3 of those are for the name, and the other one is for the fact that it is a dog).
B is for Basset Hound.
Another hound, only slightly less contentiously named than the Afghan. This time, instead of a ‘Liberated’ Country, the Basset Hound shares it’s name with a well known confectioner. Basset hounds are one of the best dogs facially – that is, they seem to have heads made from latex by the same team who designed the alien from the film ‘The Thing’. If you were to hit a Basset hound in the face, it would wear an impression of your fist for at least the rest of the week.
They are also fun dogs - with a keen interest in playing action packed games such as chase - but, unlike rhinos, the Basset Hound won’t gore you if you try to take a photo. Interestingly, Sherlock Holmes had a Basset Hound, whom he liked to dress up in a deerstalker and make smoke a pipe.
Animal Reviews Basset Hound Rating: 6.1/10
Caveat: If wearing a hat and smoking a pipe the score rockets up to 8.1
B is also for Beagle.
A favourite of people who like spraying things into dog's eyes and then making them smoke has to be the Beagle. If ever there was a breed who's had a rough ride - laboratory experiments, being shot into space, facing the wrath of the anti-hunting lobby - the Beagle is the dog nobody wants to be. This is just wrong.
Medium sized, the Beagle has a white tummy and a brown back. It also has a very honest face, and that’s a quality that is rare in animals. A good dog then, whom we have scored in the upper echelons of averageness.
Animal Reviews Beagle Rating: 5.4/10
C is for Chihuahua
Fantastic and hilarious dog.
Expect an official review, with high marks, in the near future.
Animal Reviews Chihuahua Rating: TBA
C is also for Cat The nemesis of the dog. See review.
Animal Reviews Cat Rating: 7.6/10
D is for Doberman
I had a friend with two of these dogs. They are aggressive and they stink. I got chased every time I went round there, and this was with my friend standing right next to me telling the dogs that I was alright and that they knew me. And still they looked like they were after my windpipe.
The smell of these animals was the invisible tear in the sheet of toilet paper however, possessing a pungency that I was only reminded of 10 years later when I had to sleep under a camel blanket (don’t ask).
And lest we forget, Dobermans feature in the Omen.
Animal Reviews Doberman Rating: 2.3/10
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