Beaver
Guest Reviewer: Jethro
Variations: North American, Canadian, European.
Habitat: Wetlands, Woodlands, The hoover dam, B&Q.
Important note: The beaver is the Tim Allen of the animal kingdom.
First Impressions:
Heavens above! Look at the size of that tail and those buckteeth.
The beaver.
With that little outburst out of the way, it has to be said that beavers are both clever and altruistic. Not only do they build homes for themselves but damming rivers helps out other animals too, by cleansing and filtering the water of nasty pollutants and silt. These dams create natural ponds, and as a result pleasant cul-de-sacs for fish, turtles and birds.
The tail of the beaver is it's stand out feature, being as it is a quarter of the size of the beaver’s body and just as wide. That's a big tail. As if you needed telling, the tail is the beaver’s most powerful tool in its tool-set. It's the equivalent of a Black and Decker SWIVEL 5-postion/driver.
Top tail features:
- Used for balance while on dry land (because of their small feet this is needed, and their walk is quite amusing as a result).
- Used for communication with other beavers, by splashing water (AMAZING).
- Used as a rudder and flipper. For swimming.
- Used to hammer wood in place as it builds it’s home.
- Optionally used on hot days to cool down by fanning.
Looking at the other end, those teeth are awesome - they constantly grow and are very hard. So if you're stuck on an island with plenty of trees and have a years supply of canned goods lying around, the beaver is the animal you want. It can pierce the cans, build you a home, and cool you down afterwards. You could then stroke it as if it was man’s best friend.
The beaver is a master craftsman,
shown here whittling down a tricky log.
Behaviour:
Very friendly and very smart. These animals are family orientated little people, building dams big enough to house granny, mum, dad and the kids all under one roof (or should that be crisscross of branches). And like otters, you just know they're friendly. Unlike the gofer in fact, a distant relative, who causes WWIII for poor Bill Murray in Caddyshack.
Beavers are nature's engineers. They can make homes out of nearly anything, including branches (well duh), message container tubes (as seen in The Simpsons), stolen money, you name it.
Given the chance they could make a home using two toilet rolls and a packet of biscuits.
A beaver goes to work.
Skills:
Haven’t you been reading? Quick recap:
- DIY skills
- Family people
- Slapping people
Good Pet / Bad Pet:
Fantastic. You could say beaver ownership is rather like soap, in that you don’t have to have it but it will make your life better.
Celebrity Owner:
Verdict:
+ Tail and the Teeth
+ Improve the eco-system for animals
+ Family people
+ Engineers
- Ruins our eco-system (stop eating our crops)
- Road flooding due to dams
Overall Beaver Score: 8.6/10
Fantastic work Jethro.
Don't forget that beavers also have noses and ears that incorporate clever valves that close when they go underwater. Perhaps this is why the beaver was chosen to be an official emblem of Canada, as we understand they're quite into their closeable ears over there.
Another thing going for beavers is size: an adult can be four feet in length, which for a rodent is really giving it some. The only rodent bigger in fact is the South American capybara (another fantastic animal) which can grow up to 350 feet tall.
Plus, they eat trees for no reason whatsoever, as can be seen in the following example:
All the best,
Theo & Max
Re the beaver review
Me and my colleagues feel that 8.6/10 is far too high. The bucktooth goofy look is never a good one, so in the looks stakes the beaver's a bit of a horror.
Dear Lads,
While I wholeheartedly support both the usefulness and friendliness of beavers, I feel that 8.6 is much too high a score on account of their facial ugliness. Buck teeth are never a good look for anyone. Look at the examples below. Would you? I know I wouldn’t. Also, though not through any fault of its own, the term ‘beaver’ has rude connotations, and so we can’t discuss them in polite society without smirks and sniggers. 6.6 is much a much more realistic score, I think.
No.
No.
No way.
All the best,
Sian Campbell
Animal Reviews responds:
Well, looks like we've been overuled. On second inspection perhaps the beaver is somewhat ugly, a fact not helped by the coarseness of their pelt. Monkeys and bears manage to be scruffy yet cuddly, whereas the beaver tends to look a bit trampy by comparison.
Due to overwhelming public demand therefore, we hereby rescore the beaver as follows:
Overall Beaver Score: 6.9/10
Theo and Max
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