Cat

Notable Variations: Tabby, Alley, Stray, Bob

Habitat: Comfortable Chairs, 18th Century Galleons, Alleyways.

The domestic cat is perhaps unsurpassed in terms of historical importance. Only the organ grinder Monkey, Hindu cow, pet dog, spitting llama, red squirrel, silly asp and happy ocelot surpass it. Worshipped by the Egyptians, employed as pest control officers by sea faring types and pursued mercilessly throughout the ages by dogs, it would appear to be something of a foregone conclusion that cats are really pretty decent animals.

Indeed, it is a commonly held belief that cats have 'domesticated humans', which the reviews team can appreciate considering the somewhat feeble specimen that comes round to the headquarters of Animal Reviews every day, miaows until it gets some food and then leaves via the flat roof, where it deposits a large pile of foul smelling stools.

Stools.

So, first impressions. Cats are excellent. Yes. And no.

The team has observed that baddies in films (and possibly in real life too) favour the cat over any other mammal as an illustrative prop to demonstrate their power over others. These cats are often decked head to paw in diamonds, and are usually fairly well mannered in temperament (seemingly in an attempt to create a dramatic contrast to the volatile nature of the kitty's owner). So that makes them excellent.

But why choose a white fluffy Persian, when the detached and otherworldly mystique of the Siamese is just as easy to harness? Other animals favoured by baddies (specifically in James Bond films) are Crocodiles and Sharks. The reasoning behind these emotionless killers is fairly obvious, but a fluffy kitten?

But then that's always the thing about cats - you always think you know where you are with them, ie, playing a friendly game of 'chase my hand' but then suddenly something happens within them, and their eyes become as big as saucers, and they go for you with the express intention of really making you bleed - they roll over onto their side, grab your hand, and simultaneously claw, bite and kick you all at the same time.

So then. Preferred animal of baddies and capable of Tourettes style multiple personality disorders. Good Work Cats. Excellent. Case closed.

No.

Why is it that some cats love being picked up and carried,
whilst others hate it like nothing else on earth?

Think scientifically. There are loads of really rubbish cats: Cats like Garfield; Heathcliffe; dead ones in sacks bobbing along rivers; The list goes on. These felines really let the side down. Cats also sweat more than other animals, usually around the private parts and feet. After a comprehensive and totally independent study commissioned by ourselves, cats sweat 10% more than bison, who spend all day running around. On top of this, cat yawns stink and trying to get them to swallow a worming tablet is nigh on impossible.

So then - cats are not excellent. They're rubbish. Case closed. But stop right there - there is one thing, above all others, that redeems the cat and makes it Excellent.

And it is this. Cats have the ability to spot those people who are terrified by them, and make it their mission to leap without warning onto their laps. This is nothing short of hilarious to witness, with a palpable (and highly enjoyable) sense of tension created as the oblivious victim is stalked, ambushed and finally mauled by the unseen horror. Just like tigers.

Cats also have a disconcerting ability to stare right through you
with the fervour and intensity of an autistic child.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Good. They keep you warm in the winter, and are very affectionate (when it suits them).

Celebrity Owner:

Verdict:

Overall, cats are pretty excellent.

+ Comes in a range of exciting colours
+ Chases torches
+ Kneads your lap
+ Ferocious killer of other animals
+ Pirate friendly

- Try eating a tuna sandwich in front of a cat and see the hassle you end up with.

Overall Cat Score: 7.6/10

Dear Animal Reviews

In the name of timewasting and pedantry I have to pull you up on a caption used in your otherwise satisfactory cat review in which you state:

Cats also have a disconcerting ability to stare at you with the fervour and intensity of an autistic child.

This is somewhat contradictory since one of the symptoms of autism is the avoidance of making eye contact with another person. I'm sure you can find a better description.

My other point is that you have neglected to mention the useful contributions made to the home by the cat, which other pet will bring home food as an attempt to contribute to the communal larder? Admittedly a half
chewed blackbird chick or crushed vole isn't of great interest to the human but you have to admire the effort.

Regards

Joe

Well spotted.