The Dolphin.

Notable Variations: Flipper, Bottlenose
Habitat: Rivers, Seaworld, Fishing nets.

Dolphins. Oh, how do we loathe you, let us count the ways...

1. Beaks:

Dolphins have beaks. That should tell you something from the kick off, but in case you are still in any doubt, look at their beaks for a second. Whereas the beak of a Bird or Octopus actually looks like a beak, the beak of the Dolphin just looks like a stupid mixture of a nose and a mouth. Pathetic.

2. Sonar:

Yeah, very clever that sonar, really useful for navigating around isn't it? What's that? A net? Did you swim into it? Did you? Not that useful then. Not quite so clever now are we?

How many bats do you ever see in fishing nets? Exactly.

3. Mammals:

No you're not, you're a fish. Stop trying to get in with the cool crowd, gill-boy.

4. Noise:

And stop clicking, you're giving me a migrane. I don't care if you're trying to alert me to a diver with his leg trapped in an undersea crevasse or an imminent underwater explosion caused by poachers up to some dastardly scheme, you're really annoying me. And besides, Gentle Ben told me about those poachers half an hour ago. Catch up.

5. Flipper:

Yeah, great.

6. Spiritual People:

Who like you and think you're "amazing". You really aren't. Get back to the zoo and take your crystal hanging, creepy, dirty, vegan friends with you.

If anyone you know owns anything like this, it's time to sit them
down for a serious chat about where it all went wrong.

So there you have it. Any questions?

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

The panel is of the opinion that the Dolphin would not make a good pet.

Celebrity Owner:

We don't know. Think of the most annoying celebrity in the world. They probably have 2 of them.

Overall Dolphin Score: 0.4/10

Hey ho.

A comment on your dolphin review:

• Dolphins have the ability to swim faster and expend less energy than physics says they should. The fact that these fish-chomping creatures leave the men in white coats scratching their heads is surely worth more than the low score they got? Come on!
• Dolphins saved thousands of lives since the second world war, helping in mine detection and destruction (from a 'safe' distance of course), as well as the occasional miracle story of them fighting off sharks.
• 'Flipper' gave us the current Dark Angel and very fit Jessica Alba prancing about in beach gear episode after cheesy episode. That can hardly be bad. Its the only reason we lads tuned in anyway...
• Dolphins swim into nets because nets are not solid enough to be detected by sonar. Just like airport radar doesn't detect kites.
• Dolphins are mammals. I have no idea what you're going on about 'gill-boy'. They have no gills. They breathe air. And dive deeper than any mammal except whales. Plus points.
  
  But...
  
  
• Dolphins do make bad pets. You need a play area the size of an ocean.

- Luke

I swam with some Dusky dolphins in New Zealand. The guide said that they're one of the few animals who get jiggy for social reasons rather than just for the suvival of the species.

Then again, those tour guides make it up as they go along.

- Some One

Don't you think that 0.4 is a little generous for the dolphin?

Think about how many wicked octopi and squid they kill every day, and remember that awful game Echo the dolphin? It caused me so much childhood trauma. More than the death of my cat. I therefore lobby for 0.1 or the creation of a minus scale for the pretentious little sea twits.

The manatee is a good aquatic mammal - graceful, self-depreciating, everything a sea mammal should be. The dolphin government should take the example of manatees into account when teaching young dolphins (known as vandals or hooligans) how to behave.

PS. Living in Cornwall I have been swimming with dolphins and once I saw them bite someone so hard they had to go to hospital. My granny said it was because they are inquisitive - I think its because they're aggressive. We all know the American army has a dolphin squad, well I think that's because the dolphins volunteered - it wouldn't be too hard to hold a machine gun with flippers.

I bet Echo the dolphin could do it.

- Patrick Matthews