Horse

Notable Horse Variations: Shire horse, Przewalski's horse (aka wild horses)
Habitat: Everywhere

Horses.

Let's face it - you have to be sitting on a bit of cash to own a horse, and if you do, then the chances are that you'll also have at least three of the following items:

• A stable
• Three (or more) black Labradors
• A quilted green jacket
• Ruddy cheeks
• A duckpond
• A landrover with a dog blanket in the back
• A cousin known within the family as 'Tinker', 'Bee' or 'Fluff'
• An unfathomable interest in cricket
• A fondness for bitty

These are the trappings of the Toff. You know - Horsey people.

For our overseas readers, the term 'horsey people' is actually something of a pejorative term in the UK, predominantly due to the widespread dislike of rich people by everyone else. It's a fairly harsh stereotype, but having inadvertedly wandered into the thick of the pro fox hunting march as they rah-rah-rah-ed their way through central London recently, it's not one without some foundation. The sheer weight of tweed on display was enough to reduce the casual observer to tears, and if you missed out on hearing about the whole affair, I'll give you a potted eyewitness account right here:

The aforementioned Countrysiders arrive in central London. They're cross about the fact that London Politician types, who (let's face it) only ever know about having affairs, closing local post offices and lying about war, are going to ban them from their god given right to kill foxes for fun. The protesters hold up placards and banners, choosing to leave their horses and dogs at home. There is some jostling, but the protest is generally peaceful. The streets are becoming more packed though, and as tweed brushes against tweed, the temperature begins to rise.

The police arrive, as usual, primed for a big fight. Her Majesty's constabulary are even more excited on this particular day because they suddenly realise that they are going to get the opportunity to hit posh people, instead of the paupers they are used to. For the pro hunt protestors, it's another example of rural Britain being pushed around by Whitehall. For the police, it's birthday and christmas all rolled into one.

Naturally, it all kicks off.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Which is about the time that I decided to leave. I'm not going to get beaten up for wanting to kill foxes when actually I'd rather it if they were alive and frolicking in fields.

The police won the fight in the end. But why? Was it the batons? The stun guns? The tear gas?

No.

In an uncharacteristic display of foresight and intelligence, the police used psychological warfare. They used the weapons of horsey people against them, by bringing along their own horses. A masterstroke. The protestor's refusal to throw bottles at horses rendered them powerless, and was their downfall. They were swiftly rounded up, and the police got to administer the pasting that they had been waiting for all afternoon.

Anyway, that's what it looked like from where I was standing.

So back to horses then.

From reading between the lines of the example above, we can conclude that horses are not themselves power hungry. The problem seems to be that they are stronger in body than they are in mind. The horse allows himself to be used as a tool to maintain control and power over others - be they foxes or fox hunters. Is the horse aware of his role in this oppression? Does he feel that his enslavement is a small price to pay for the social order that he helps to maintain? Does he enjoy going fox hunting? Boxer, the placid and hard-working cart horse from the book 'Animal Farm' suggests that horses are good meaning but gullible, rendering them easily manipulated. Boxer is an honest and hard working beast, unaware until the end that he is being used. When his role is fulfilled, he is sent off to the glue factory on order of the pigs. A lesson for horses the world over.

This horse is off to the knacker's yard
because his legs are just one inch too short

So in terms of excellence then, it's a tough call. We shall be lenient on this occasion. Horses: We are willing to believe that you mean well, as long as you take note of the following points:

1. Stop believing everything they tell you. Think for yourselves. Don't fall for lines such as:

'There could be no greater use for this fine animal than to take on a policing role... We need only think of a role. He is able to fulfill it'

- They are using you.

2. Don't go walkies with people wearing red jackets and dogs. They've only invited you because they're too slow to catch a fox using their fat little legs themselves, and because they feel less scared of those crusty hunt saboteurs when they're 5 feet higher up in the air.

3. Stop participating in those demeaning gymkhanas with ribbons in your hair.

4. Switch to the metric system. Measuring in 'hands' - I mean, what's that all about?

5. Keep eating sugar lumps. It's endearing. Good work.

Overall Horse Score: 5.8/10