Iguana

Guest Reviewer: Richard Pedley

Habitat: Trees in Central and South America, occasionally rocky outcrops of the Galapagos, at night in American classic films.

Hello chaps, hope this meets with your approval. Or, failing that, awe.

The next time you are stumped by the question: “What has three eyes and two penises?”, you need not rack you brains before insulting one of your bosses relatives, but can instead look your inquisitor calmly
in the eye, and reply, “The iguana.”

“The iguana.”

These reptiles not only have a long tail that, in a fully grown adult of six feet, can break the arm of anyone
foolish enough to come between them and the salad bar, but they have a small vestigial eye on the top of
their heads, and the male is indeed blessed with two old chaps. Scientists assure us, however, that they
only use one at a time, which may go some way to proving your bosses assertion that you don’t have the
worst job in the world.

Now sometimes kept as ‘exotic’ pets by often dull people, the Giant Green Iguana (Iguana Iguana) is
often said to be as intelligent as the average dog. However, while it will happily clamber around your
flat, eating anything vaguely green in colour, it will not chase sticks or fetch freshly shredded ducks from
boggy moorland. This is an argument in favour of the iguana being more intelligent than a dog. Also, the
iguana does not need to be taken for walks, and even if it did, as a vegetarian creature you would not have to return with a bag of tepid waste matter. This is an argument in favour of the intelligence of the iguana owner.

Indeed the iguana is a calm and pleasant companion, who makes no unnecessary noise, and will happily perch on your head as you answer the door on a Sunday, sending any unexpected guest back down the front path with some alacrity, scattering religious tracts as they go. They are also capable of showing affection, crawling all over your warm body to get comfortable, or hurling themselves several feet through the air to land on you when they see you carrying something green. A minor drawback can be that the toenails of a six foot lizard can make quite and impression on the forearms, although I have made many friends in bars who have looked at my wrists and asked me if, you know, I need to, like, talk to someone?

Some owners devotion to their iguana
veers dangerously into 'bit odd' territory.

A handful of salad (just watch the phosphorus / calcium balance) a sun lamp to bask under and the
occasional scratch behind where it’s ears would be if they were there, and the iguana is happy.

We do not deserve this. Did not Charles Darwin spend many happy hours hurling marine iguanas into the sea to see if they became scared of him? Is not the iguana regarded as a delicacy in some South American
countries (Pollo de Palo – or chicken of the trees) and are not some delicate examples of the breed almost
extinct?

But the iguana accepts all this calmly, which is appropriate for a creature that does not sweat. In fact, it often expresses displeasure by snorting out any extra salts from its nose, giving it the appearance of using certain South American products of a less wholesome nature.

The prince of reptiles, I would easily give the iguana 9/10.

Overall Iguana Score: 9.0/10.

Thanks for the review Richard,

As you mention, iguanas do have three eyes. It's worth taking into account when reviewing the iguana though, that that the extra one, located as you say on the top of the iguana's head, isn't a particularly good one. Certainly useless for watching television or playing playstation with, it is better employed to watch out for potentially lethal overhead attacks from vultures, eagles and/or Airwolf.

Iguanas eat very little meat, making them a good pet for people who don't fancy chopping up small, furry animals all day. Or vegetarians in fact, becase you could take them shopping with you to buy vegetarian sausages whilst impressing fellow shoppers.

Thanks again,
Theo and Max