Jellyfish

Important Note: The member of staff responsible for this review was in a strange mood at the time of writing. If it's any consolation, things do seem to get a bit more cohesive about half way down, but please be advised that there's very little factual information contained within any of the the following...

Jelly is made of cows. Its the cow part that makes it set. Jellyfish therefore, must also be part cow. Or at least be a distant relative of the cow. You see, once upon a time, a curious little jellyfish must have grown legs and udders, crawled out of the ocean, and moved to Switzerland, where it then turned purple and became a chocolatier. That would seem to bring us up to date. But this story gets interesting when we go back. Way back. Back into time.

Think of a jellyfish, bobbing along happily off the shore of Lake Geneva, about to take its first steps towards the advancement of the species, and the birth of chocolate fondue. The first question would naturally be 'Why bother coming inland? What is there that could possibly make you want to explore Switzerland in any detail whatsoever? The streets may be clean, but the price of living is ludicrous, especially if you don't have any pockets' But even if you had been there and had asked that question at that vital moment in history, the jellyfish would not have heard you. Why? Because unlike voles and llamas, jellyfish do not have any ears. And anyway it was a Swiss German jellyfish.

Artist's impression of a Jellyfish with ears,
and smoking a cigarette.

So lets consider what we know. We know that the jellyfish was one of the first creatures ever to swim in Lake Geneva, which millions of years ago was actually part of the atlantic ocean. We know that before becoming a cow, the jellyfish was a jellyfish. We also know, that before becoming a jellyfish, the jellyfish was something else - yes friends, the jellyfish is an animal born by committe. The jellyfish developed from a group of single celled friends who all swam together to make a colony, which after a few months got on so well that they decided to become a brand new animal. The fish is so named because someone saw one next to a Jellyfish and noted that it was similar, less the wobbling. Later, someone else ate some jelly, and remarked upon the similarity in cohesive firmness to the Jellyfish, less the fishy taste, and the name of the pudding was born.

By not all jellyfish decided to evolve to the walking on land and mooing stage; some, by a combination of shrewd marketing and stinging tentacles, have remained pretty much as they ever were. For many millions of years they kept their heads down and ensured their future survival with such cunning, that they saw the birth and death of the dinosaurs. Truely, they are one beast that knows what it means to survive. But enough history - how excellent are they?

First Impressions:

Variable, depending on circumstances.

Example 1: You are on holiday. You are leisurely doggy-paddling your way across a tropical lagoon. The sun is shining. You casually look to your left, and spot a Portugese Man-O-War bobbing fast towards you with tentacles outstretched. Your first impression of the jellyfish is that of abject terror, followed by frantic attempts not to die. Bad first impression.

Example 2: You are watching the above scene happen to somebody else, perhaps from the comfort of your beach towel or a hammock hung from two palm trees. The ensuing hilarity would doubtlessly leave a very different impression. A good first impression.

Behaviour:

Passive-aggressive was really a term that was invented for the jellyfish, a creature of such great design that it really doesn't have to do anything for its entire life. Compare this to a cat, who has long been considered to be one of the lazier beasts on the earth, and the cat seems almost hyperactive. The jellyfish's behaviour is hardly even behaviour, considering that you can't even tell if they're alive or dead.

The Jellyfish is made up of thousands of tiny
creatures, each with a seperate role. Some specialise in
swimming, others in stinging or eating. Very clever.

Skills:

Not many - they can sting, which is pretty good, and they have very long legs (and plenty of them). Giraffes also have very long legs, but only four of them, and they cant sting, so a bonus point for the jellyfish there.

Fascinatingly, the jellyfish's stingling tentacles remain potent even after death, rather like the wasp's barbed sting. Unlike the wasp, jellyfish have better things to do than chase small children carrying choc ices.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Well to be honest - bad pet. The inevitable street cred gleaned from showing your mates your brand new pet Portugese Man'o'war is overshadowed by the fact that they might try to pet it, get stung and die in severe agony on your kitchen table. And the bigger jellyfish need a tank sixty feet deep, which might be a hassle.

Celebrity Owner:

The following celebrities, we're pretty sure, probably might have had a jellyfish for a pet. Or at least wanted one.

• Herbie Hancock
• 80's golfing ace Jack Nicklaus
• Vanessa Paradis

Excellent?

+ Aquatic and deadly, stinging legs (like Bruce Lee)
+ Made of Cow Culture Colonies aka 'Friendly Bacteria'
+ Swiss
+ If you see somone getting stung by one, you can go and pee over them

- Lacking in personality
- Potential vector of Mad Cow Disease
- No Ears

Overall Jellyfish Score:: 6.8/10

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