Llama

Variations: Vicuna, Guanaco
Habitat: Mountinous Regions, Ken Dodd's house

First Impressions:
My very first impression of the Llama was whilst reading (or more accurately, looking at the pictures of) Herge's Tintin books when I was a little younger than I am now. A recurring motif bagan to appear - a strange animal would crop up whenever the story is set in a strange part of the word. (And I don't mean Captain Haddock).

This is a Guanaco, or wild llama;
distant relative of the camel.

Once I persuaded someone older to tell me what the words actually said. I discovered the Lllama. But what was it? So many things seemed possible - could it be a sheep/goat/giraffe/pinata hybrid? Perhaps it was created in the laboratory of a crazy Frankenscientist. But deep within me I knew that this was no hybrid.

The llama is nature's technicians working to the limits of their capacity. Thick woolly coats, spindly legs, teeth and necks like funny horses - how could this be an accident? These big doggies live and work high in the mountainous regions of South America where the air is thin, the nights are cold, and the theme tune from 'The Mysterious Cities of Gold' floats condescendingly across the valleys. So how does the llama live so high up? Well, llamas have more haemoglobin (the stuff that carries oxygen) in their blood (the stuff that pours out when you sever your finger with a breadknife) than any other animal in the world.

Now you might say "a goat could work in these areas" but let's face it, they cant. The thin pelt of the goat would mean they would be killed to death in no time by the persistant cold, and would end up Condor breakfast in no time. Goats also don't posses the strength of Llamas, so could not be used to lug heavy goods (often a combination of contraband and tourist luggage) up some of the steepest rock faces in the world.

For their strength and determination these animals are idolised by the indigenous people of the areas in which they live (although you wouldn't think this by the way that some of the locals seem to treat them). So much so that when they stopped using humans as sacrifices to their gods they started and continue now to use llamas.

Behaviour:

When tackling the notion of the behaviour of the llama one has to take into consideration the location of said llama. For example a llama in his prime will live in the mountains thinking that he is the best thing since sliced bread because everyone around him idolises him. So he will walk tall and strut his stuff whilst continually chewing nonchalantly on coca leaves. Now this sounds like an animal with bad attitude and with bad attitude you expect bad behaviour which is certainly a possibility when asked to carry yet another heavy bag of white powder up a sheer cliff in the snow, but generally unlikely in these conditions.

Yet when they retire llamas tend to go to one of two places either to a stone slab and a date with a very sharp knife or to their retirement home also known as the zoo. The captive llama becomes the complete antichrist in terms of social behaviour, pacing around its quarters looking bored until it catches glimpse of an inquisitive youngster or person in a clean suit, at which point it will lurch impressively towards its prey releasing spurt of hot spittle in their targets face. Now that's what I call good, an animal so sociopathic it likes to spit at people and act grumpy all the time.

Skills:

What a skill being able to spit in all directions with such accuracy and power. Also noted for their carrying power, but so are horses.

This fellow is a Beekeeping llama, apparantly.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Now petwise a llama is difficult as mostly they will be surly and unruly but they have the potential to be amazing. If one could harness the power of their spittle they would give a guard dog a run for its money, also with their body shape they would be perfect for carrying small children on their backs on the beach and it would be priceless to see whilst walking your llama in the park the look on jogger's faces as they are hit in the eye with hot mucus.

Celebrity Owner:

• Michael Jackson
• Donatella Versace (you know what they say about owners looking like their pets)

Verdict:

The llama is not an exceptional mammal but it has some excellent features.

+ Can spit very well
+ Can carry loads of things
+ You can make jumpers, hats, gloves and scarves from their exceptionally soft wool.
+ Tasty in stew form
+ As with otter, likeness of beast commonly appears on tat

- Very moody
- Lazy when in captivity
- As with otter, likeness of beast commonly appears on tat

Overall Llama Score: 7.4/10 (mostly for the hilarious spitting)

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