Newt

Guest Reviewer: Emma

Name: Newt. Rhymes with flute.
Newt types: smooth (ordinary), palmate (big hands), great crested (fancy high-end model preferred by city types).
Notable Variations: Axolotl: big whitish newt (note: different from Axel F). Salamander: land dwelling newt cousin. Likes to show off by emerging from fires unscathed.
Habitat:Ponds, large muddy puddles, jam jars furnished with pebbles and pond weed.

First Impressions:

Rather unassuming, slimy and brown in an unpromising soggy habitat. Do not be discouraged. Newts have marvellous, even magical powers. Chop one of their legs off (get an adult/scientist to help) and it grows back intact through the miracle of biology. Lizards can grow back a tail stump if pushed. Newts go all the way – fingers, toes, even spots to match those on the other legs. Whitney and friends sang ‘the children are our future’. No! Newts are our future. They may hold the key to growing back the end of your little finger that was lost in that unfortunate celebrity chef incident. Admittedly this process sometimes goes wrong, but should bio-mistakes occur, entrance fees may be charged for viewing and a small business may result.

Leg growing, newt style. Or leg shrinking,
if you follow the pictures backwards.

Behaviour:

Newts are happy little creatures with permanently smiling faces and jaunty dispositions. Their swimming technique is innovative and incorporates a friendly ‘waving’ action, clearly a sign of benevolence and good will.

• They eat insects and grubs – very handy in jungle-based media circus situations
• They can do hand stands – a winner at any party

Newts are also accomplished at ‘wooing’ (also called ‘doing it’). The great crested newt can charm the ladies with just one deft flick of his crest. George Clooney and Jimmy from Jimmy’s Farm, stand back! Mr newt and his wiles wins my lady vote any day. Bless me, he’s a goer.

Skills:

• An internal biological compass helps them to navigate through ponds. Who needs GPS?
• Effortless regeneration of lost limbs.
• Small scale acrobatics.
• The newt is the living embodiment of the joy of evolution. Some of it's cousins went on to become quite fancy and brainy. Mr Darwin is very proud.

Good pet/Bad pet:

Excellent low maintenance pet. Complements conkers, bits of string and toy soldiers in any small boy’s collection of precious items.

Verdict:

+ Biological wizardry
+ Navigation – handy on a car journey
+ Eats creepy crawlies – helps lady-style phobias
+ Sexual prowess

- Skin slime
- Unexpected impolite spawning involving writhing newt orgy – not good at dinner parties
- Not much of a talker

Celebrity Owners:

Mrs Simpson so revered the newt that she had one made in gold and diamonds and wore it as a brooch. However, she was a strange, skinny royal type so not a good advert.

Suggested overall score: 8.2/10

What a charming review. As much as we like newts here at AR, our feeling is that they're too reclusive - almost to the point of being practically non-existant. Max used to have a garden pond that was chock full of the little fellas, only now they've either gone into hiding, or have left for good. Where have all the newts gone?

There's certainly something of the naughty schoolboy about newts, as you point out. It's as if they've been pocket-sized by evolution deliberately. The perfect jamjar lizards.

Theo & Max