Ocelot

We have to admit something straight away. We dont really know that much about ocelots. For this reason, the ocelot review is going to follow a slightly different format from the others. First, we're going to allocate marks to the ocelot as we go along based on our limited knowledge. Then, we'll check on Google to see if we were right, and then mark ourselves to see how accurate we were. Finally we'll see if our preconceptions were better or worse than the truth, and mark that. Then we'll average out the lot, and see how excellent ocelots are.

Here then, is everything we know about ocelots:

Name: Ocelot

Ocelots have a good name. A brilliant name in fact. Ocelot is one of those words that trips off the tongue, like "flannel" or "pipette". It also sounds a bit like 'Otter', which is high praise indeed.

Name Score:
Theo: 8.5/10
Max: 7.8/10

Size:

We are 100% sure about this one: ocelots are cats. Not small cats, like domestic cats, and not big ones, like lion and tigers, but in the middle. Both big and small cats are both of roughly average excellence, so it makes sense that ocelots are also averagely excellent, at least in terms of size.

Size Score:
Theo: 4.8/10
Max: 5.2/10

Habitat:

Not too sure about this one. Max swears that they live amongst rocks, and leap from one to another. Theo thinks they are more likely to be scrubland and foothill dwellers, maybe from Scotland or Portugal or somewhere like that. Google informs us that we are both wrong. They live in the Jungles of South America. But hold on, apart from trees, the jungle probably has it's fair share of rocks, scrubland and foothills too. Just like we said then. Jungles are excellent places to live, so...

Habitat score:
Theo: 8.6/10
Max: 8.1/10

The average life span for an ocelot is 15 years.
Another fascinating fact for you.

Tail:

Ocelots, we think, have short tails like bobcats or rabbits, not long tails like tigers. Again Google is referenced, and again we are proved wrong. They have massive tails, like monkeys. We get low marks on this one then:

Tail Score:
Theo: 0/10
Max: 0/10

This may seem harsh, but it's not like they advertise the fact that they have long tails or anything.

Diet:

We reckon ocelots eat mice, voles, iguanas, geckos, moss and bracken. Google is consulted, and says we are spot on for once. Ocelots actually eat:

65% Small Rodents
18% Reptiles
07% Crustaceans and Fish
06% Medium sized mammals
04% Birds

...and I'll raise you three geckos
and some bramble

We never could have imagined that ocelots could fish, and we certainly didn't know they could fly. So then:

Diet Score:
Theo: 7.0/10
Max: 8.1/10

And there you have it. Finally - the acid test.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Theo: 'Yes'
Max: 'Yes'

Good Pet/Bad Pet Score:
Theo: 10/10
Max: 10/10

Spot on. Ocelots would be fantastic pets.

Celebrity Owners:

• Dan Ackroyd
• Paul Hogan
• Hitler (possibly, if he escaped to South America)

Overall Ocelot Score:

Average of all the above scores... 6.5/10

Which seems a bit harsh for an animal that is clearly top shelf material. But you can't really juggle the maths any other way, so we'll let it stand for the time being.

Don't blame the maths - you know as well as anyone that the ocelot is under-marked because of your ignorance regarding its tail. It doesn't advertise its magnificent tail because it has enough class not to go seeking publicity. What do you want it to do - appear on Animal Big Brother with a big glowing arrow saying "Look at my huge tail"?

Give it proper marks for its tail, and let it move to the upper-echelons of animal-dom, where it obviously belongs.

Matt.

Dear Matt,

You are of course correct. Your email opens up the entire debate about whether it's morally acceptable to review an animal that you don't have extensive prior knowledge of, and if so - to what criteria that animal should then be judged.

But more importantly than that, you're wrong. The tail of the ocelot is not magnificent. It's workaday. It's nothing special. Of course, if we had been marking ears, things may have been very different.

As it is, the score stands.

Best wishes,
Theo & Max