Octopus

Guest Reviewer: Brendan

Variations: Octopus. Octopuses. Octopi.
Habitat: Most oceans, underground lakes, Sailor's tales, B movies, lurking.

First Impressions:

Excellent. First off, they have beaks. Fish with beaks. Not to belie our impartiality, but this is exactly the sort of mix n’ match creativity that we find greatly assuring of both a higher purpose in life, to laugh at silly animals, and of a deity with a sense of humour. (See also the platypus).

Next, Octopi are what are known as Cephalopods, a science word meaning that they are constructed entirely out of squish, with no bones whatsoever. Sensational! Yet, unlike their clearly unmotivated cousins the clam and the spinach, they have managed to get themselves hold of tentacles. And not just two or three 'bitty' tentacles either, but eight great big ones sticking out of their drippy bodies, whipping out to grab fish and diver's air tanks. The only deterrent at first sight is the octopus’ overwhelmingly cold demeanour, which is at once both silent and calculating, and radiates an aura of eerie menace.

Overall, a very good show, with minor points taken off for personality.

What's he thinking about?
Eating the cameraman.

Behaviour:

No one-trick Pete, the octopus is not only cleverly designed, but is actually cleverly clever. Possessing a vast brainal cavity, they are well known for being able so solve complex (for a fish) logic problems like opening jars and memorizing colour patterns. We also remember reading of an aquarium somewhere that procured some new octopi tanks. Several weeks into the exhibit, staff noticed that fish were beginning to vanish from nearby tanks, confounding the aquarium security. After some time a night janitor noticed an octopus climbing its tank, sliding across the floor, sallying up and into a nearby tank, killing a fish, and returning home. So not only are the brilliant, but they are terrifying murderous night stalkers. Not simply content lying in wait for a fish to come their way, they stealthily sneak up on their prey, snatch it with their suction cup arms, and drag it back to the safety of their caves.

Skills:

Everyone knows animals that change colour are excellent. So it stands to reason that animals that use their colour changing abilities to stalk prey are even more excellent. The octopus is even more excellent then that, with the ability to change the very texture of their skin to resemble the rocks around them.

Not content to a life of two-bit colour tricks, the octopus can also spray a cloud of ink in the event of running into a killer more powerful then themselves. Either that or they're in cahoots with dry cleaning companies. Some octopi even posses a powerful neurotoxin in their skin, such as the infamous Australian Blue Ring Octopus.

The blue ringed octopus.
It can and wants to kill you

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

We are of the opinion that the octopus, completely devoid of human emotion, would make an unsettling and alien pet to say the least. At worst, it would climb out of its tank in the night and kill you.

That said, we see great possibilities in the world of crime as a trained aquatic pickpocket, distracting divers with a flash of scintillating colour before snatching away expensive underwater equipment in a blur of suction-armed banditry. As the divers choke for air, they lose any last semblance of direction due to the cloud of ink that surrounds them. The octopus meanwhile, is merrily returning the valuables to your boat, to be pawned off for money and more octopuses.

Celebrity Owner:

The following celebrities either owned octopuses, or would have if they had been available.

• Charles Manson
• Sweeny Todd

Verdict:

+ Beak
+ Suction tentacles / made of slime
+ Colour changing
+ Crime Syndicate possibilities
+ Clever

- Too clever
- Murderous tendencies
- Messy Ink

Overall Squid Score: 6.8/10

Well, what can we say? A fantastic review of an excellent animal. Nice one Brendan. The only feeling here at the AR office is that you've made such a good case for the octopus that your final score seems perhaps a little low for what is, by your own admission, a superlative creature. Our score would be a solid 8.5.

Interestingly, this review arrived on the same day as Matthew's squid review, which also highlights the big attractions of such creatures. Namely, that they a) have a beak, b) kill people on a daily basis, and c) change colour. We agree. All are fantastic skills, and with particular regard to point a), the quality beak craftsmanship that adorns these mollusks is a textbook lesson in how to appropriate the anatomy of birds properly. A lesson that would be well heeded by certain other lesser aquatic species.