Emperor Penguin.

Guest Reviewer: Thonoir

Habitat: The middle of vast ice caps, China.

Emperor Penguins. Nature’s majestic ruler of ocean-bound seabirds. That pinnacle of majesty and imperialism. Standing at around 4 feet tall and weighing in at 75 lbs, the Emperor Penguin is a bit of a avian behemoth.

The emperor penguin.
Look at their funny necks.

Energy Efficiency:

The most famous image of the Emperor Penguin is that of the whole colony/flock gathered together for warmth. Some people attribute this to the lack of decent central heating in the Antarctic. This is completely false. There is in fact plenty of central heating available and with prices falling, you’d think the penguins would take advantage of this. But being the environmentally conscious birds they are, they would rather risk freezing to death than follow the Polar Bear’s example and use all the Earth’s resources.

Parenting:

Can you ask for more devoted parents? Especially on dad’s part. Elsewhere in the world, fathers are happy enough to get up late on a Sunday morning and trudge to the local field and ‘support’ (abuse) their offspring as they compete in their sport of choice. Not the Penguin. Though it should be noted that young Emperor Penguins are superb at football and quite nifty when it comes to snowboarding, the penguin fathers are attentive long before their chick’s excellence emerges.

When the laying season arrives, the females dump their eggs at the feet of the males who then hurry to scoop it onto their feet to stop it from freezing. By the time they’ve done this and looked up, the females have scarpered off to the sea to fish, do each other’s feathers and generally have a girly time. And away they stay. For two months. And the males don’t eat. By the time the women have come back, they’re fat, tanned and the chicks have hatched. The poor males are then ushered off to get a bit of grub while the females bond with ‘their’ chicks.

Females making a break for the waterslides amid
the confusion of egg balencing.

Juvenile Delinquency:

As the chicks grow, they follow their parents example and gather in large groups for warmth. Or so people think. What they are actually doing is planning a rave for the coming Antarctic night. As night sets in, the chicks drug their naïeve parents and assemble under the Aurora Borealis to party until the sun rises again. Which in the Antarctic is quite a long time.

As summer approaches, the ice melts, bringing the ocean closer and, as their parents have seriously had enough of everything by this point, the chicks decide to make a break for it, dissappering forever into the briny blue.

Chick with drugged parents.

Planes and Penguins:

Strange but true, if a plane plies over a group of penguins, they will lean back to follow its flight path. And they’ll keep leaning back until they fall over!

On the plus side, they’re unlikely to follow their goose cousins and fly into aircraft engines.

The Bad Guys:

Emperor Penguins are pretty much safe while winter is in. This is because no other animals can be bothered to walk that far over ice when there’s a chip shop just down by the Eskimo’s igloo.
When they’re in the water however, these penguins are far more vulnerable. Though they’re great swimmers, leopard seals, sharks and killer whales all get the taste for some penguin (though I’m sure they’d prefer chicken if it was available).

Squid and Penguins:

Much has been made of the squid elsewhere, but let me ask you this – is a creature which gets routinely scoffed by a bird which falls over whilst watching planes fly past really so great? I think not. Dock that squid a point!

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Excellent pet. They’ll come to realise that food is not 50 miles away and will love you for it. They’re also more than happy to swim in a child’s paddling pool.

Celebrity Owners:

Danny DeVito
Michela Strachan
Samuel L Jackson

Verdict:

+ Females – girl power!
+ Excellent divers
+ Hilarious falling over backwards
+ Don’t fly into aeroplane engines
+ Party animals when young

- Males are under the thumb
- Vomiting. Its not regurgitating, it's vomiting
- Males are also stupid
- Your pet shark might not get on well with them.

Overall Emperor Penguin Score: 8.2/10

A textbook review, and an accurate score for these excellent but slightly disfunctional animals. We wonder if the males deserve an extra point or so for their dilligent parenting (or indeed if the females should be docked half a point for their casual attitude). It's sad that these ladies don't even choose to be present at the birth of their children, and the repercussions from not having a strong female role model can be seen clearly in the delinquent behaviour that you mention above.

Thanks for the review
Theo and Max