Lion

Guest Reviewer: Paco (aka Chris)
Variations: Flying rat, stool, homing
Habitat: Statues, Parks, Any ledge that hangs over human walkways and/or cars
Favourite Foods: Bird seed, french fries, crusty old bread

First Impressions:

Pigeons are probably the single most confusing animal alive on the planet today. Which other animal combines so many attributes that seem to directly contradict each other? Pigeons are simultaneously clever yet dense, comical yet conniving, personable yet disease ridden, and beautiful yet overly common. Quite simply, it's almost impossible to get a firm grip on exactly what your first impression of this animal is!

The pigeon’s plumage is distinctive and classic. Unlike the toucan, which can be a bit garish and would certainly look out of place at a black tie affair, the pigeon chooses an understated gray with tastefully coordinated charcoal edging. The genius of the pigeon’s attire, though, is the subtle flashes of green and purple that glint in the sunlight as the pigeon moves. Admittedly, this luminescence is also seen on puddles of oily water, but it is still quite spectacular to behold!

Looking sharp!

Behaviour:

Pigeons are the movers and shakers of the avian world. Not content to spend their time idly flitting through the woods or paddling in a pond, pigeons center themselves in the most densely concentrated urban centers of the globe. It is very common to see them commuting with other workers through the busy city streets, stopping for quick bites to eat at sidewalk cafes and overflowing rubbish bins. They have a bemused, comical look on their face as they trudge along with the other workers. Quite often, you can hear them respond to the grumblings of their officemates with a heartfelt, "Me too!". Sadly, this commiseration is often misinterpreted to be nothing more than a simple "Cooo... cooo!!".

Yet despite their obvious fondness for humans and the urban life, pigeons have a dark side evidenced by their nasty habit of pooing on everything in site. A special sac holds roughly three gallons of concentrated pigeon poo, which is dispersed through highly developed, laser guided anal glands. Cunning and calculating, a pigeon can instinctively determine when a car has just been washed, or when a hugely important meeting is coming up for a businessman, and with deadly precision, will hurl a glop of feces directly onto the intended target. Pigeons are so precise with their targeting that they have been known to shoot a load onto a lunching businessman's lunch. Quite often, the businessman doesn't realize that the goo is not excess mayonnaise.

It is a widely accepted fact that pigeons spontaneously generate. Ask any commuter at a train station if they have ever seen a baby pigeon, and they will tell you “No, only adults.” Since no one has ever seen a baby pigeon, there must not be any baby pigeons, and therefore pigeons must spontaneously come into creation as adults. The sex life of pigeons remains a mystery, however. It is not known if two pigeons are required to make a third, or if the bird simply coalesces from the copious amounts of poo left around their nest sites.

Skills:

Pigeons have the impressive ability to return to their home base, no matter how far away they are transported. A certain group of sports enthusiasts is known to take groups of the birds, blindfold them, and then drive around for hours until they end up well out into the country. Occasionally, the enthusiasts hold pistols to the birds’ heads and make threatening remarks during the drive, but that practice has been phased out of most homing competitions. This remarkable ability to locate their home bases made pigeons natural message deliverers throughout the middle ages and even up through World War II. In essence, pigeons were precursors to e-mail and cell phones!

Old time text messaging

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

The jury is still out on this one. Sure, the birds take up little space, are great for helping you keep in touch with friends and family, and are a lot of fun to watch as they waddle around and stare at you quizzically, but the poo everywhere. It’s a tossup.

Celebrity Owners:

The following celebrities have pigeons that they use both for communication purposes and for sneak attacks on their enemies:

• Donald Trump
• John Candy
• Rowan Atkinson

Verdict:

+ Homing ability
+ Funny waddlers
+ Funkadelic color schemes
+ Instant text messaging with no roaming charges
- Poo everywhere
- Spontaneous generation, possibly leading to millions of pet pigeons

Overall Pigeon Score: 5.5/10

Hi Paco,

Thanks for the review. You've actually made quite a convincing argument for the pigeon here, one of the most loathed birds in the world. Here in London, the council absolutely detests them, claiming that the millions of pigeons that wander the streets have no respect for statues and historic buildings. This is true, although the same could be said of pretty much every other wild animal on the planet. You wouldn't expect your cat to make a chartiable donation towards the restoration of Westminster Abbey's slate roof now would you?

Others claim that pigeons spread disease. For the record, they are no more likely to spread disease than any other species of wild bird, apart from parrots, who always tidy up after themselves.

All the best,
Theo and Max