Duck-Billed Platypus
Guest Reviewer: Kitt
Habitat: Fertile imaginations
Plural: Ducks-Billed Platypae
Collective Noun: a Quibble
I'm embarrassed to say that as a young whipper-snapper I too fell for the story of the duck-billed platypus. I can now take consolation that I am not alone, in fact a lot of people still think they exist (even some zoo- ologists who study animals all the time!).
History:
First it is important, as ever, to establish the facts. Platypusss (sans duck-bill) did exist in the Nile delta during the rule of the Pharaohs. The ancient Egyptians would write on the platypus and use it as a form of communication (a bit like a fax machine) (see reference 2). Sadly though, the little critters were the crocodiles favourite snack and didn't last long – in fact by the time Hadrian had built his wall, even the very last one was crocnosh.
Now pan, if you will, forward in time to the 20th Century and to Australia (a large island between New Zealand and Bangkok). The actual concept of the “Duck-Billed Platypus” is presumed to have come from an original doodle by comedy genius Rolf Harris. In the early 1970's he drew a (daffy?) duck's bill on the body of a hairy beast (an early Wile E. Coyote?). It could have stopped there if it weren't for Rolf's insistence that this be published as part of an article in 'Australian Nature' about 'east coast flora and fauna'.
what R.H.'s sketch might have looked like
Fame:
Enough is enough you and I are saying - but the Australian tourist board was quick to cash in on the idea. Soon there were tours organised, T-shirts printed and even boomerangs with the mystic mutant etched upon them. The effect on tourism can be seen in the chart below.
Taken from an economics book I had at school
The Crunch Point:
The crunch point came when the Australian government printed $50 (AUS) notes with duck-billed platypussii [sic] on them. At this juncture, famous skeptic Uri Geller stepped in to put an end to the farce by offering $20 (US) to anyone who could produce a picture of a duck-billed platypus (or platypuses) reading that day's newspaper.
Uri - skeptical
Many attempts were made to win the bounty which in those days was enough to have bought you a ticket to see the latest film release. Without the power of modern computers and programs such as Deluxe Paint II it proved a tricky to fake but that didn't stop folk trying. Most famous of these attempts was a Mr. Buller from N.S.W. (north-south-west?) who stapled a shoe-horn to a possum in an effort to bring in the cash.
another obvious fake
Bill:
Needless to say the note had to be withdrawn leading to a devaluation of the Australian dollar (once the worlds leading currency) in a similar effect to the UK's own black-Wednesday.
Norman Lamont
Now even the world famous website platypus.org.uk admits “…platypus specimens … were nothing more than an elaborate hoax.” (see reference 1).
Review:
OK, so we've established that, like that email I got about my bank pin number, it is an elaborate and costly ruse. However, this doesn't stop the animal from being in the category of 'excellent'. In fact, in this reviewer's opinion it makes it all the more likely to hit the 'top banana' rating.
Fatty:
Take two animals that are both rated 1st class by AnimalReviews.com – the duck and the otter. Use your brain to mix up the best bits of both and what have you got… well? “The duck-billed platypus” is the answer to the question of course. It's a bit like in 'dungeons and dragons' when it got to the stage when people just started making creatures up with the highest points so they always won (I did that).
If further proof be needs be, rumour has it that if they did exist they could dig holes and have poisonous spurs on their 'hind legs'. This also means they get high 'transparency' and 'weaponry' ratings on the dangerous animals page.
Other attributes that have been attributed to the D.B.P. (short for duck-billed platypus) are that it can emit “a growl that is similar to the one a puppy would make and a noise that is comparable with that of a brooding hen” (see reference 1). Now you need a really good imagination to think that one up!
Conclusion
You've got to love it (I reckon) and alongside the dinosaur and the seahorse it must be one of the best made-up animals ever.
+ Bits of duck
+ Otter like body
+ Poisonous “John Wayne meets Odd-Job” style spurs
+ Digs imaginary holes
+ Growls like puppy/hen!
- Australian economy
- Not in the domain of reality
Celebrity Owners:
Englebert Humperdink - referred to a recurring dream about owning a platypus in an interview with Michael Parkinson in 1981
Cliff Richard (probably) – and anyone else who believes the have an invisible friend
Good Pet/Bad pet:
Definitely good – no mess, don't need to feed and won't hog the sofa
My Rating:
Actually I've gone off it a bit now I've reviewed it.
Overall Platypus Score: 6.3/10
References:
Everything thoroughly researched including help from:
1 www.platypus.org.uk
2 May be 'papyrus'. Didn't get time to check.
Lovely!
We think you've been a bit tight there on the score, but any animal who holds such sway over the economy of an entire country needs to be brought down a peg or two.
You also mention that the duck billed platypus has poisoned barbs on its hind legs, which is a nice touch considering that there must surely be very few natural predators of something so blatantly odd. If we were dingos*, we'd most likely have a curious sniff over the strange duck/otter hybrid, get a bit confused, and then head over to the nearest campsite for lunch instead. Given the it's effectively two animals in one, working out the cooking instructions must be total nightmare.
* Max already displays certain traits of this antipodean dog, but we tend not to mention them in polite company.
Theo and Max
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