Polar Bear.

Guest Reviewer: Jon Patrick.

Dear Animal Review Website Board of Directors,

I am having a long running debate about which is the largest bear in the world. My friend, Lesta Corson, feels passionately about the massive size of the polar bear. I believe that the Kodiak Bear is the biggest baddest mofo bear in the world.

Let me set out my argument for you. Have no doubt, you will be convinced in a matter of paragraphs by the veracity of my claim.

DJ Kodiak, the ruffest tuffest, kickin the molars out the polars' mouth,
He's the bear so brown he'll knock you down,
Don't be foolin if you feel him droolin,
cos he'll sniff ya, paw you and low down dirty maul you.
I don't want to brag, I don't want to boast,
but he even 'ain't afraid of no ghost'.

Whereas MC Polaar, he won't go far.
He's slow, full of dough and his mother's a garden implement.

The only way you'd die from meeting the weakling Polar Bear is if you ate the whole of his (or indeed her) liver. An agonising vitamin A overdose would 'wet ya' as pop lovelies House of Pain would lay it 'down'.

The Kodiak guy. Well let's see. His best mate is Alain De Boton (aka 'Mix Master Al) who was last years' Disney Champion of Philosophy. His girlfriend is Scarlett Johansson. Harry Carpenter is his dealer. He's Puffy's pal and he likes to tank the 'Cristal'.

Here is a picture of something that would never happen. That is apart from in the sick and twisted world of a Mister Lesta Corson.

Signor Corson is becoming a loser even unto his own cause because he has recently fallen in love with The Liger. If you imagine the delightful 'The Rock' and genetically spliced his DNA with Stone Cold 'Steve' Austen then you would create The Liger.

I have no time for The Liger. He is a girl. The Kodiak would devour him, excrete him and feed that to a Polar Bear. Grrr Kodiak Style.

So I leave you with my own final thought.

It's easy to grin, when your iceberg comes in,
and you've got the stock market beat.
But the bear that's worthwhile, is the bear that can smile,
when his pants are too tight in the seat.

A Kodiak Moment

Thankyou and goodnight america, wherever you are.

Thanks Jon. But what about a score? And if we're being fussy, what about a the pros and cons of polar bears?

Still, we can help you out with your argument with Lesta Corson. The largest bear in the world is indeed the polar bear, which is about the length of 4 Emperor Penguins laid end to end.

But wait! In 2002 a HUGE 1,800lb Alaskan Brown Bear (of which the Kodiak is a subspecies) was discovered by a US airman in Alaska, who decided to celebrate the record shattering occasion by shooting it dead. Now although strictly speaking this bear might well have been the biggest bear in the world, it appears that it was suffering from a growth defect, so alas must be disqualified from the competition.

Here's some measurements for you:

All the best
Theo and Max