Rabbit

Notable Variations: Drop-eared, or Lop-eared or something.
Habitat: Cages, stews, petshops.

All children love rabbits. I used to love rabbits when I was 6. They've got the perfect number of child-friendly ingredients to make every child love them. They've got long ears. They're soft and fluffy. They have a comedy hopping action. They're plump. Unlike goldfish, they don't drop dead as soon as you leave the shop. So clearly, the rabbit seems perfect for that first pet milestone, and no parent could ever be blamed for choosing a rabbit over a rottweiler to ease junior into the big responsibility of caring for a pet.

Our advice to parents? Don't bother. Rabbits are perhaps the most unpleasant, moody and aggressive animals available in cramped petshops and D.D.T infected garden centres today. For God's sake don't be leaving one around your child.

And their hutches stink. This one looks bi-polar.

I mentioned that I loved rabbits when I was 6. This is true. At the age of 7 however, we had an open day at my school. Now even under normal circumstances, I would have injured myself in some way at such an event, but on this occasion, a classmate had brought along the family pet. The large sign on the cage read: "THIS ANIMAL BITES. DO NOT TOUCH", which I ignored, because there was a fluffy harmless rabbit inside. Needless to say, I got bitten. Claret everywhere. Interestingly, it was the local doctor’s rabbit, and I made the front page of the following week’s local rag, presumably because they thought it was ironic that a doctor’s rabbit mauled a small child in front of a school full of horrified onlookers.

Anyway, the point is that all I had wanted to do was make a new friend. I’d risen to the challenge laid down by the sign, accepting that this would not be an easy friend to make. And still this rabbit tried to kill me.

That was 20 years ago now, and my opinion of rabbits has not changed since. They're basically fur with razors. If you go near them, they try to kill you. If you look at them in a funny way, they try to kill you. If you ever attempt to show them any affection of any sort, they will try to kill you.

The white ones with the pink eyes really freak me out.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

I firmly believe that this question has been answered already.

Celebrity Owners:

• Fred and Rose West

FINAL SCORE:

Rabbits have no redeeming features whatsoever, and it gives me great pleasure to give them a really rubbish score.

+ Hopping action

- Deeply unpleasant

Overall Rabbit Score: 2.1/10

To whom it may concern:

I really enjoyed your site. Some friends of mine are moving and had asked me if I would take ownership of their rabbit. After reading your review, I have informed my "friends" that not only do I refuse their offer, but also that I do not wish for them to contact me anymore since they were willing to subject me to such a deadly animal. Obviously they do not have my best interests at heart.

Regards,

Alfredo Blanco

You've saved your own life there Alfredo.

We'd advise your friends that the only satisfactory course of action under the circumstances is to cook the rabbit in question, thereby sidestepping any future mauling dangers and providing a memorable 'last meal' in their house, similar to those enjoyed by prisoners on death row.

Thanks for the email!

Theo and Max