Rhinoceros (Are they related to dinosaurs? If so, the spelling should be Rhinosarus)

Guest Reviewer: Micke

Notable Rhinoceros Variations: Triceratops, and the elusive White Rhino
Possible Relations: Horned Elephant, Horny Toad
Habitat: Savanna, the Zoo, Jurassic Park

First Impressions:

Depends on the state of the Rhinoceros.

Example #1

• If a Rhinoceros is charging at my jeep during a safari, it probably wont make a great first impression.
  
  In fact, I might dirty myself whilst contemplating how best to survive the incident.

  Example #2

• If a Rhinoceros is behind a fence sleeping, or an electric wall at Jurassic Park, I would find them quite beautiful. Perhaps even the most elegant animal that ever walked the earth. And Universe.
  And if I have learned anything from watching movies, some Rhinos give birth to humans. Using technology, some have even evolved into robots.
  

A rare sighting of a rhino giving birth to Jim Carrey

Behaviour:

Rhinos are very sneaky animals. Their feet are padded and they are masters of walking on their toes, allowing to them to be very stealthy, much like a ninja. This also makes them great ballerinas.

Rhinos are also full of gastro-trickery. They lead you to believe that they are herbivores. According to 'scientists', they eat grass, plants, and other greens. The stuff that you always spit out in the bathroom as a kid. Well, let me ask you, what is an herbivore doing with big deadly skewers on its face? Obliviously, the Rhino is a carnivore pretending to be vegetarian so that all the other animals in the savanna will think it's sophisticated, nice, and well mannered. In fact, it uses its reputation to lure its animal friends closer in order to impale them when no-one else is looking.

When it comes to the origins of the Rhino, we know that they are a swifter, smarter, sexier version of the Triceratops. Interestingly, rhinos were almost called Biceratops (due to the presence of both big and small horns) but the name Rhinosaurus was eventually chosen by those wacky prehistoric marketing men. A few years further on, after all the dinosaurs had died out, Latin took a swandive as a cool language, and C became the letter of choice. Thus the name Rhinoceros was born.

A happy rhino with elder

When it comes to size, Rhinos are big. I mean BIG. I’m talking Dinosaur BIG. Diet wise, overly trustworthy savanna animals are the prey-du-jour. When the eyes of the world are watching however, rhinos will try to scoop the front page of the National Geographic by eating the aforementioned plants, grasses, and other healthy stuff.

Skills:

Beast mastery: Like their aquatic cousins the hippo, rhinos are able to tame small birds for cleaning and companionship.

This Rhino is in the process of charming
two overly trusting birds for cleaning/dinner

Career Options:

Ninja, Ballerina, Tank

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Good pet if you have a lot of land, big electric fences, and lots of little animals to feed it. (see Jurassic Park).

Bad pet if you collect china, have naive children, don’t enjoy scooping up large piles of poo, or don’t own a gun with bullets that can pierce its tank like armor. They also they tend to exhibit bipolar behaviour - one second they may be sleeping, the next running headlong towards your conservatory. This can be fixed with the right medication.

Celebrity Owners:

Ashanti – she was caught riding an elephant on the beach, so what else would she be riding when the elephant got tired?

Yes, of course, a Rhino.

Verdict:

+ Ninja like
+ Strong, good for Tanking
+ Birthing Humans
+ Dinosaur related

- Excessive amounts of poo
- Robot?
- Untrustworthy
- Has bad imitation of a Dinosaur like name

Overall Rhinoceros Score: 5.7/10

Another brilliant review. We had long suspected that rhinos were somewhat untrustworthy, although we never quite knew why. Reading this review has confirmed our suspicions - rhinos are far too heavy duty to be vegetarians, and they've been lying to us all for hundreds of years.

To reiterate: parents, do not purchase a rhino for your children as they will be eaten.

You also make good mention of the rhino's rich dinosaur heritage. As the Triceratops is a perennial AR staff favourite, isn't it a shame that a certain flair seems to have been lost over the evolutionary years. The two best 'eyebrow' horns have both been lost, and the frilly neck bit has disappeared altogether. A shame.

- Theo & Max