Scorpion

Guest Reviewer: Chimney Sweep

Habitat: Hot places in general

A few years back, Nike used the image of the scorpion to spearhead yet another advertising campaign. 'Now why would they do that?' I hear you ask.

Simple: Scorpions are cool. Scorpions are fluorescent. Do I need to say anymore? FLUORESCENT. I don't see any elephants going green under UV light. Look, check it out:

Scorpions, when not busy being fluorescent, are usually a sleek and sophisticated black colour. The style is classy beyond belief, and you never catch them on a bad hair day. They always look good. And that's only when we actually see them. You see, scorpions are in fact nocturnal creatures, and when we see them in the day - they're pretty knackered. They aren't ready for any visitors, thank you very much, please pop back around six; yet, they still manage to look undeniably cool. I think this is also a good time to say that anyone that works by night is pretty damn classy without a doubt.

Classic khaki style.

And it doesn't end there. We're more scared of scorpions than they are of us. Humans, around scorpions, wet themselves. They on the other hand are permanently chilled out around us. When did you last see a scorpion spot a human, and start jumping up and down in a frenzy with a look of panic in it's eight eyes? Never. I think you get my point. Moreover, whilst it's nice that the scorpion isn't scared of us, it is bit worrying. To be honest, it's embarrassing. They're like… tiny… and we're like… pretty damn big… and we're scared of them? Now this may make them almighty, but not particularly friendly. This, in my opinion, equates them to being the mafia of the animal kingdom. That's cool, but something we might be better off without.

Just look at the build quality on that tail.

Additionally, there is an ethical worry with scorpions. They are cannibals. In my opinion, this is crossing the line. If a human tried to eat me, yes, maybe I'd let them have a quick nibble. But not in public. And this is the problem with scorpions - they just don't care who's watching. Mind you, I should stress at this point that scorpions don't only eat each other. In fact, they also eat ducks and wasps.

Whilst I'm here, I think I should clear up an urban myth. Here it is: " If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death." It doesn't take a genius to figure that this is complete hogwash. Have you seen how much drink a scorpion can take? It's a plain fact that your average scorpion is still sober as a judge after 175,000 alcohol units. A tiny amount of liqueur? Don't be silly.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Keeping a scorpion as a pet is a lot like smoking. It's bound to kill you one day, but everyone knows it's cool.

Verdict:

Overall, scorpions rock.

+ Fluorescent
+ Classy day wear
+ Classy nightwear
+ Not scared of anything
+ Almighty
+ Mafia-like
+ Just damn cool

- Cannibals
- Threat to the human race's rule over Earth

Overall Scorpion Score: 8/10

Certainly as far as evolution goes, the scorpion seems to be right up there at the top of the tree. Three stingers radiate out from a central point. Not even the jellyfish can manage that. It gives the scorpion practically complete defensive cover. There's no safe direction to approach a scorpion from - you just have to hope that they're in a good mood. Thanks to Chimney Sweep's review, we know not to bother them at least until after teatime.

Plus, Mummy scorpions carry thousands of tiny transparent offspring around on their backs, which is an interesting way of doing things. Some baby scorpions are almost sweet:

Life size baby emperor scorpion.