Squirrel

Guest Reviewer: Patrick Matthews

What have the Romans ever done for us? Eaten squirrels, that’s what.

I hate squirrels: tree rats. They eat the birdseed which I buy for the birds, or they go and bury it and then completely forget where they've hidden it, which is even more irritating. Or, they bury the seed and then spend all afternoon digging up the entire lawn looking for it. They never find it because it's gone rotten. So whenever I see one of these hairy little swines - even if I'm right in the middle of something - I end up running out of my front door shouting and screaming. This has caused much embarrassment both for me and for my neighbours.

Personally I'm happy that red squirrels are extinct in the south of England where I live. A grey squirrel is bad enough, but who wants a ginger squirrel wandering around mugging the starving birds?

My grandmother calls squirrels tree rats; she says that if it weren’t for the birds who would be caught in the crossfire, she'd put rat traps on her bird tables. Personally I would rather see a rat than a pretentious rat – it’s like the difference between Busted and McFly – Busted (rat) know they’re terrible, whereas McFly (squirrel) are under the impression that fluffy tails make everyone love them.

I think that squirrels should be issued with identity cards.

I also don’t think that they should be allowed to own property.

Facts and speculation about squirrels:

• Squirrel is not an anagram of explosion.
• I bet squirrels (and Busted and McFly for that matter) spread bubonic plague.
• Squirrels don’t like equal rights.
• Squirrels commit benefit fraud on a daily basis – I have hidden camera footage, which I plan to send to the BBC, of a grey squirrel pretending to be an endangered red squirrel so it could claim benefits.
• In the upcoming UK General Election, 9 in 10 red squirrels plan to vote for the newly formed party Veritas party. Every red squirrel questioned believed that Mr. Killroy Silk (the parties leader) was himself a red squirrel. (This might be a good thing because all the grey squirrels will beat him up).
• Squirrels oppose the legalisation of marijuana on religious grounds.
• Squirrels are born with the ability to play the trombone at a grade eight level – squirrels that cannot play the trombone at a grade eight level are known amongst squirrel society as Communists.
• Satan is a squirrel.
• Mozart was a squirrel. Schubert might have been a squirrel too; there isn’t enough evidence to be sure because an octopus ate all his documentation when he was on holiday in the Bahamas.
• I think squirrels would float if you gave them armbands.
• Contrary to popular belief, the Romans didn't eat squirrels. The true story is that a roman squirrel once jumped out of a tree and straight into Julius Caesar’s mouth. Caesar swallowed the squirrel, by accident, but the entire scene was caught on ancient camera and sent to 'You’ve Been Framed' (which was much better in those days because if your tape didn't get shown you got thrown to the lions). The footage was shown and he won 200 gold pieces and an archaeologist found the tape and now everyone thinks that Romans ate squirrels. And that’s how it really happened…
• Squirrels have caused all wars since 1066.
• Idi Amin’s real name was Idi Awo-Ongo Angoo.
• A squirrel’s brain is in its tail – which is why you should cut their tails off on sight.
• My mum once tamed a squirrel and called it Nutter. She said this was because it was crazy about nuts. She’s insane though, which is why she's in an asylum and I’m not.
• I once met Tony Blair in a service station toilet; he was crawling around on the floor looking for something. Alistair Campbell was arguing with a woman about the price of espresso outside.

I hate squirrels.

Proof that squirrel sympathisers are mad

If ‘Nutter’ wasn’t enough proof lets have a look at some other squirrel fan. I would look at other squirrel sympathisers but firstly I can’t be bothered and secondly I think that Jon and his World O’ Squirrels is enough proof, don’t you? This man is obviously dangerous, both to society and to himself – look at the picture babies as squirrels… it’s a scary world these people live in. If you look at Jon’s website carefully you will find things about squirrel philosophy, squirrel rights and every squirrel is sacred.

Jon does say one interesting thing though. He says,

“This is an often shamelessly sentimental (and proud of it!) web site for people who like watching, feeding, and generally being nice to squirrels. However, I'm from rural western Pennsylvania and I know a lot of people who consider squirrels game animals. If you are looking for information related to hunting squirrels, or recipes involving squirrel meat, you should post questions to the "rec.hunting" newsgroup on usenet. You'll feel much more at home there!”

So now I know which website to go to. Jon also says that peanuts are potentially fatal to squirrels so I’ve been shopping. The weirdest thing Jon says is that squirrels are like whales – his proof being, “they both tend to get chubby” and “they are both mammals”. Pretty conclusive I’d say.

This is a snow squirrel.
With a mohican.

Conclusion

Squirrels are a threat to society, more of a threat than aliens and dolphins combined (unless they’re the same thing, in which case they already are combined). The only people who are a greater threat to society than squirrels are (not necessarily in this order) terrorists, rogue states, the coalition of the willing, squirrel sympathisers (including those who fund squirrels and provide them with weapons) and my ceiling. And stick insects – they can’t be right.

I would give a squirrel –5 or an ID card, depending on the situation, in this case –5

Overall Squirrel Score: -5/10

Animal Reviews Independent Moderation Panel:

Heavens above.

You're right about Idi Amin though. he was indeed named Idi Awo-Ongo Angoo Amin, but quite what the notoriously brutal ex-commander of Ugandan armed forces has to do with squirrels is frankly a mystery to us here at the AR office. If you're attempting to draw a comparison between Amin's 1971 presidential coup and the rapid rise to dominance of the grey squirrel in Britain, then you're being a bit harsh on squirrels. True - squirrels can be mildly rapscallious on occasion, but they're not generally speaking genocidal maniacs.

Our advice to you is to watch for yourself the supreme ingenuity of squirrels first hand. For the hilarious behaviour displayed in these videos alone, we're going to add 11.4 points to your total score.

Animal Reviews Post Moderation Squirrel Score: 6.4/10