Stoat

Notable Stoat Professions: Pawnbroker, Getaway Driver, Loan Shark
Habitat: Woodland glades

Introduction:

Some animals have jobs. Dogs find drugs and provide eyes for the blind. Horses and Elephants have fought wars. Stoats don't have jobs, but if they did then their chosen choice of profesion would be on the list at the top of this page. You can just picture it. Getaway Driver. A job straight from a pulp crime novel.

Perhaps this is unfair. It's common knowledge that the image of the stoat has been irriversably tainted by cousin weasel, whose villanous henchman peformance in films such as 'Who framed Roger Rabbit?' almost damns by association. The problem is that all the weasels in 'Who framed Roger Rabbit?' look like stoats. Perhaps Robert Zemekis was merely tapping into an established and deserved reputation. Perhaps the man was a rabid Stoatophobe. We will never know the truth, but thanks to Zemekis and the dark shadow of cousin weasel, the Stoat will always be remembered as a criminal.

So how does this affect how excellent stoats are? Let's review one and find out.

Behaviour:

In pulp novel terms, we may consider the noble pine marten as a P.I - investigating corruption, sneaking around docks at night and drinking scotch on leather sofas. The timid vole would be the hapless police commissioner, abducted and tied whimpering to a chair. The badger? Chief of Police. Weasel? Henchman. The stoat? Getaway Driver, plain and simple. They carry an air of urgency not seen in other animals of their ilk - all twitchy paws, black tipped tails and and ginger hair.

Common throughout northern and central Europe, the stoat is rarely seen. This is actually quite surprising, given their natural confidence. When hunting, stoats 'dance' as they approach their prey. It's certainly a sight to watch, if a little unorthodox. It is the disco dance of a trickster and a scoundrel, every leap and contortion serving to mesmerise the quarry as the stoat gets ever closer. Be that as it may, it's certainly far less co-ordinated than the elegant salsa of the Bee.

Still very sweet, though.

Skills:

Stoats have an inbuilt ability to change colour. Not on demand, such as the chamelion, but still pretty good. Every year their coat changes from chestnut brown to ermine white. This serves to better camoflage themselves against the snow that doesn't fall anymore in European winters. Yes, since the rise of global warming times have changed, and the stoat has failed to keep up with them. No points there.

The Stoat.

Good Pet/Bad Pet:

Not bad. Better than ferret.

Celebrity Owners:

• Robert Zemekis
• Michael J Fox
• Vin Diesel

FINAL SCORE:

The stoat isn't a bad animal, and certainly fares better under review than you'd have expected, but we feel that it still lacks flair.

+ Shifty
+ Dances
+ Worse camoflage than almost every other animal, yet still convincingly pulls anonymity off
+ Better than ferrets, and bigger than weasels

- Worse than pine martens
- Much worse than tigers

Overall Stoat Score: 5.5/10

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