Weasel

Guest Reviewer: Stephen Cobden

There is a serious threat to our peace, our freedom, our very way of life. And this threat is not ours alone, but belongs to the entire world. This is not an issue of religion or race or even politics. It reaches across the boundaries of both political and religious systems of belief. This threat is real, imminent and growing fast.

Weasels.

Not what you expected? Of course not! That's why it's so terrifying. It will not be long before the truth is discovered. That the average clothes dryer is in fact a universal teleporter controlled by transdimentional weasels that have been secretly stealing our socks and are now set to invade in mass numbers via all the clothes dryers that have been manufactured due to globalisation. The threat of invasion from weasels is a deadly as the threat from the alien Mongol and moon Nazi's alliance used to be, until they were destroyed when Hell froze over, thanks to Jesus, a forklift, and improper storage of the paraffin used to keep the hellfire going.

Are you looking at me funny?

Transport:

Clothes Dryers. The dryer being in fact a complex multidimensional transporter means that when it's turned on, your clothes are spinning in a space/time vacuum. The "lint" that gathers are actually bits of displaced fiber and cosmic debris that are sucked into the vacuum from the surrounding cosmos. Sort of like a cosmic hairball. And I personally believe (though this theory hasn't been proven) that "lint" is also all that remains of your socks once the weasels are finished with them. They are waiting for the development of the third world countries before showing us their full strength, to ensure they have access to as many homes as possible via clothes dryers. However, there are enough dryers in America alone to put us at significant risk for a primary assault. If they attack anywhere first, it will most likely be here.

History:

The history of the weasels, their desire for socks, and the reason for their hatred of mankind was discovered Lt. Col Vafthrudnir of MARI (Mankind Against Rodent Invasion).

This is the story he told:

" The other night, I was attacked in my sleep by a horde of weasel, covered in KY jelly and dragged through the interdimensional portal in the back of a washing machine (and trust me, no lubricant in the world can make that a pleasant experience). I spent several days in a weasel prison on the planet N'Graffk' in the Zeta Reticuli star system. These days were a hazy blank to me, until a task force of Otter Marines liberated me from my imprisonment. Humbert, Imperial Lord-Majesty of the InterNational and Interdimensional Otter Kingdom (INIDOK) explained to me what happened. This will sound strange, but I assure you I have the word of one of our most precious allies.

Long ago, the otters and weasels were united, and lived peacefully with Man. However, it came to pass that the weasels became jealous of Man's preference for dogs. The otters and weasels split, as the weasels insisted that Rodent was Man's best friend, while the otters claimed the place of sleek furry
creatures was Nature. A civil war erupted, but Man did not notice, as he was busy learning to domesticate dogs. The weasels bided their time long millennia after the peace was settled, but their bitterness to Otter and Man alike was unsated. When Man invented the washing machine, the weasels were the first to realize its potential, and saw the time of their ascendancy dawning. They used our washing machines to
explore other planets, and in a few short decades have completely taken over four planets, eliminating seven sentient races and one which, while not yet fully self-aware, was learning to sing show tunes (believed to be an early sign of potential intelligent development). One of the planets they colonized was N'Graffk', the survivors of which are the Roswell "Grey" aliens.

Meanwhile, the weasels' scientific mastery grew as they learned the secrets of the races they oppressed. They learned that every sentient being emits a secretion they call "fzyzth", which carries with it a sympathetic bond to their brains. In a happy (for them!) coincidence, this secretion, while found in miniscule amounts, is very heavy -- and thus, eliminated via sweat through the bottom of the feet. Yes, friends, they steal our socks to control our minds. For several days I was intermittently allowed to post on the Internet normally, hypnotized into the belief I was at home; and at other times, and to conduct propaganda for the weasels They are out of my fzyzth at present, I am now safe. But how many Manchurian Candidates must they have among us?" Yes people, the weasels hate man, and the otters (whom they consider quislings)
Colonel Vafthrudnir discovery of their ability to control minds (via sock theft) leads to the next section

Protection

• Wear pantyhose (tights), as they are unable to harvest fzyzth through nylon.
• Steer clear of ferrets. They are spies for the weasels. Turn any quisling ferret owner over to the MARI.
• Get rid of your dryer, unless you are trying to capture a weasel for MARI intelligence
• Keep a nerf gun, baseball bat (wood is preferred over aluminium, as it makes a more satisfying 'Whump' sound when you hit them) or super soaker within easy reach of your dryer. Weasels seem particularly vulnerable to these weapons. Boomerangs work in a pinch.

Finally, weasels are superstitious.

They fear:

• butter
• The colour periwinkle. It is considered an "evil" colour among weasels, containing deeply religious connotations. It is claimed to be the favoured colour of their dark god, Wedniatnuom (weasels are very religious)and anyone who invokes the dark power of periwinkle is cursed by the gods to endure something called "Igit eekee iehigget ik" (in weaseleze). Roughly translated it means, "Four toes of death". It's rumoured to be quite uncomfortable and leaves it's victims looking rather silly.
• Thursdays(I've never lost a single sock on Thursday). We don't know why, but we swear it's the truth. Use it however you can.

Enemies of the weasel

• Man, for preferring dogs
• Dogs, for being preferred by man
• Otters, for not caring that we prefer dogs

We must not fear otters.

I would like to quote a scripture from the apocryphal Gospel According to St. Stanislaus the Ugly and Chaste:

'And the Lord Jesus said unto them,
Be thou ever wary of the designs of thy enemies, the ways and means of the wicked;
of the devils and principalities which ruleth the high places,
be thou wary; likewise of the weasel, which lieth in wait expecting of thy ruin;
but persecuteth thou not the otter, which hammereth shellfish with the rock;
for he is made in the image of the Lord. '

I think it is imperative that we approach the otters in friendship and brotherhood, so we may have a firm ally against the devious weasel, as prescribed by Scripture.

Thank you,

MARI (Mankind Against Rodent Invasion)

Animal Reviews:

America, you have been warned. Toss out your tumbledryers, or pay a bitter price. Everyone else, this means you too. English animal fans should also be wary, but are at less of a risk because any transdimensional weasel who comes here is more than likely to get fed up with the food and the weather and head straight home.

But what about a score? We're saying 5.2, based on the fact that they're quite good, but not fantastic.

So then: 5.2/10