Woodlouse

Woodlice have more nom-de-plumes than the Scarlet Pimpernel. Even Wikipedia, the usually definitive internet based encyclopedia seems at a loss as to where to start:

"Woodlouse - also known as a pill bug, armadillo bug, sow bug,
slater, ball bug, and erm... Roley-poley"

Sow bug?

You may think that having so many different pseudonyms for a creature of such minor significance in the greater scheme of things is no big deal. After all, what's the worst that could happen? And you'd be right to an extent - a physicist mixing up her woodlice with her sand fleas is less likely to result in cataclysmic nuclear meltdown than that same physicist mixing up her petri dishes of uranium and plutonium.

But still we must ask. Of all the creatures to have so many names, why does the woodlouse have so many? It's pretty much the last creature we would expect. Eskimos supposedly have 15 different words for snow (and here they all are), but that's pretty understandable considering it forms quite a major part of
their lives. With the greatest of respect, it's hard to imagine woodlice forming a major part of anyone's life. Imagine for a second that cows had this many names. Wikipedia would be in tears:

"Cow - also known as Ermintrude, ladybull, moogoat, milker, milkmaid, milkman,
big leathery milk thing, grass cutter, dog with two bellies, and moo-moo"

It's a ludicrous state of affairs. Anyway, as interesting as this all is, let's move on now and see how excellent woodlice are...

The excitement never stops with woodlice.

First Impressions:

Overwhelming disappointment. Anyone overturning a rock or piece of rotting wood is certainly hoping to catch a glimpse of something weird and wonderful, such as a scorpion, bright orange centipede or ants nest. Most likely, they'll find a small cluster of slugs and about 20 woodlice.

By hiding themselves away in nooks where the occasional fantastic animal can be found, the discovery of woodlice is always a letdown. It's only when you start to playfully start to bully them that anything even remotely interesting begins to happen.

Skills:

Prod a woodlouse and it will gleefully roll into a ball. Which is something of a novelty.

* PROD *

The only problem is that other animals can do this too, and they all manage to do it with considerably more panache than this one.

• Hedgehog: Rolls into a ball when threatened, just like woodlice. Also covered in spikes, which is better than woodlice, who are covered in that usual crustacia-esque shell.
• Armadillo: Rolls into a ball, again like woodlice, but is covered in armour. Better than woodlice.
• Spider: The Namib wheeling spider forms a ring shape with it's body before launching itself down a sand dune. It might be a showoff, but you can't deny that it gets from A to B in immense style. Much, much better than woodlice.
• Trilobite: Like an undersea prehistoric woodlouse, only bigger and far more interesting. They didn't roll up into balls or anything, but you can't have everything. They seem to have evolved into the Giant Isopod, an aquatic cousin of modern day woodlice, who live right at the bottom of the ocean eating dead whales. The giant isopod is terrifying, and as a result is better than woodlice.

Giant isopod. Like a woodlouse, only
aquatic (+ 2 points) and big. And scary.

So the poor old woodlouse really can't compete - the only skill it possesses has been bettered by other animals. Is there nothing that can redeem our dour little friend?

There is, from our point of view, one redeeming feature of the woodlouse, and that is their Britishness. Before you begin to feel a bit uncomfortable and start bracing yourself for an onslaught of bile inducing nationalistic repellency, let us explain ourselves a little further: British animals are, more or less, a bit rubbish. We have no lethal snakes, no colourful birds, no monkeys and no big cats. We have no jungle, no savannah and no desert. We have Yorkshire Terriers. Apart from our delicious food and sparkling teeth, we have very little in this country to be proud of.

Apart from woodlice!

Back to wikipedia for the lowdown:

"In the United Kingdom there are 37 native or naturalized species (of woodlouse)
ranging in colour and size from 3 to 30 mm"

So there you have it. The United Kingdom has 37 types of woodlouse.

Conclusion:

+ Woodlice drink through their bottoms
+ 37 species in the UK. Wow.

- Sadly, all 37 are identical. (ie. a bit rubbish)

Overall Woodlouse Score: 2.2/10